In loving memory of Ava and Teagan...

In less than 3 months (on March 15th) it will be 1 year since Ava and Teagan entered this world.  We wish that we would be planning and celebrating a big 1st birthday for them.  Unfortunately that is not the case.  We want to do something to remember them on this day so we have decided we will put together some memory boxes to donate to local hospitals to give to families that go through a loss.  I personally never got one when our girls were born but know many people that have.  We wanted to allow our family and friends to be part of this if they wanted to.  Of course we dont expect it but wanted to include those that love our girls.  Obviously I have never done this so Im not really sure what Im doing but will do the best we can.  Here are the things that we are going to include in these boxes if anyone wants to help out with them.


Small stuffed animals
Journals
Pens
Small candles
Kleenex (the small individual wrapped ones)
Small picture frames or albums
Small blankets (receiving size)
Disposable Cameras


We have someone that is going to make little hats to put in them and any extras she makes we will donate to the NICU.  Im going to print poems that I found comforting and also include those in the boxes.


I have started to buy the memory boxes.  If anyone ever sees cute ones on sale somewhere please let me know! 


I just wanted to share this with everyone :)  Im going to start buying the stuff and putting them together after Christms and we are going to take them to the hospital or hospitals depending on how many we make on their 1st birthday. If anyone has any suggestions on other things we could include in them please let me know!  I hope I can do a good job on these for other families that have to go through the terrible loss of a baby :(

Christmas

I had been thinking about the upcoming Holidays for awhile and how everyone says that they will be really hard.  I really thought it would be ok.  I do have 2 beautiful children to keep my spirits up but whoa was I wrong!  A few weeks ago we were going to do family pictures for Christmas cards and when it came down to it I just couldn't do it.  It really made me sad to do them and think that Ava and Teagan should be here with us in them.  So no Christmas cards this year and that is ok.  I think that's when I kind of realized maybe it wouldn't be so easy.  This past Sunday we went to the cemetery where they are buried for a Holiday Remembrance Service that they do and it was so nice but I think that's when it really hit me that it wont be easy.  Its hard knowing we should be a family of 6 here celebrating Christmas.  I have to get through it for B and B but it is hard for me.  Those 2 deserve a wonderful Christmas though.  They are great kids that have also been through a lot this year with us losing Ava and Teagan and also all the times Ive spent in the hospital this year was not easy on them.  Brooklyn especially worried about me each time I had to go in for surgery.  So for them I will put on a brave face and get through it.

We are making sure that we remember and include Ava and Teagan anyway that we can!  The first thing we did was make sure to get them little stockings to hang with ours.  They are just little ones with their initials to hang with ours to acknowledge that they are part of our family and they always will be.  They are real, they were here, they are our babies and will always be a part of our family regardless of where they are.

We also went to the mall and chose 2 names off of the Angel Tree.  We picked 2 girls that are 1 year old.  We were trying to find 2 little girls that were about 9 months old.  Ava and Teagan would have been 9 months old on the 15th of this month.  So we chose the 2 babies and bought them toys, clothes and pajamas.  We hope that we can help them have a wonderful Christmas this year.  Although gifts aren't what Christmas is about or what will make it a great day it sure can help brighten a kids day.  We hope that they love their gifts!  It felt good to do something for others and to do it in memory of Ava and Teagan.

Yesterday we went to the cemetery and put a little Christmas tree there for the girls.  We hope they love it!  :)

Our last thing to do for them is to get their ornament which we will probably go do this weekend.  Even though my precious girls aren't here with us I will ALWAYS make sure they are remembered no matter what!

Be thankful

Sometimes its hard to see that.  Even going through the most horrible year of my life...by far...I have soo much to be thankful for.  Even though Ava and Teagan aren't here with us I am thankful that I carried them in my belly for 34 weeks.  I'm thankful for every single kick, punch, nudge they ever gave me.  I'm thankful God chose us to be their mommy and daddy.  I'm thankful for every single ultrasound we had that gave me so much time to see them and watch them growing inside me.  For all the pictures and videos of them in there.  I'm thankful for the 2 days they were here with us, for getting to touch them and kiss them, watch them move around and open their eyes to look at us. Im very thankful for the time that I held them in my arms. I'm thankful for every single thing that has to do with them.  That is only the beginning.  Even though they are not here and I miss them everyday and some days I have a hard time seeing or feeling anything good I am so blessed.  I'm thankful for my amazing husband.  For my 2 beautiful, perfect healthy children B and B!  I have an amazing family and group of close friends that I don't know what Id do without that I am so thankful for.  I'm thankful for a roof over our heads, food on our table and clothes on our backs.  I'm really thankful for my health, even though its been a rough year its all things that will heal but I'm alive and breathing and I'm sooo thankful for that!  Just always remember that even in the absolute lowest of times in your life there is ALWAYS something to be thankful for!  

My husband

I love him!  Sooo much!!


I am one lucky girl.

I honestly don't know what I would do with out him.  I know that I am so lucky to have a husband like Jason.  He is sweet, caring, funny, thoughtful, fun... the list goes on :)  He doesn't talk a lot about his own feelings but listens to anything and everything I say.  He always makes sure that I am ok.  He makes sure to always tell me several times a day that he loves and misses me.   He always asks what he can do to make me feel better even though he knows there really isn't anything anyone can do when I am having a bad day.  He is the one person that I know will always be there for me no matter what.  He is here by my side when I'm at my lowest and will be here with me always.  He is one person I know will not get mad at me for the way I feel or act.  He is the one person that knows exactly what I'm going through and would never judge me for it or tell me to do it differently.  He is just always there no matter what.  Many people go through hard time or tragedies and it will tear them down or sometimes tear them completely apart.  For us it hasn't done that at all.  It has brought us so much closer.  I have always loved Jason so much but I love him sooo much more and feel so much closer to him.  He is an amazing father.  B and B are so lucky to have him and Ava and Teagan were so lucky God chose him to be their Daddy.  He has so much love for our sweet babies.  He is so strong for me even when grieving himself for the loss of his daughters.  I thank God every single day for Jason.  I thank him that I have him, that B and B have him and that Ava and Teagan have him.  He loves his children, all 4, so much.

I love you

"No one else will ever know the strength of my love for you.  After all, you are the only ones who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside"

This picture was taken when I was 30 weeks pregnant with Ava and Teagan

A friend (also a mother of conjoined twins) told me this quote and I loved it and wanted to share it :)

To my sweet girls

To my sweet babies Ava and Teagan,Mommy misses you so much every single day.  Lately it has been worse then it has been the last 7 1/2 months.  Every month I think, they should be 4,5,6 months old.  Today I'm sad that you aren't here to dress you up for Halloween.  When I look back at pictures of your sister when she was a baby I think of how you should be doing all the things shes doing in the pictures.  I see pictures of places we have taken your brother and sister and am sad that we never get to take you to those places.  A part of me is missing and will always be missing.  A part of me feels so empty without you.  I love you both soo very much.  I think about you constantly and will never ever forget you or the two precious days we had with you here.  Thanking you for blessing our lives.  You have touched and changed us forever and you have touched people that love you and people that don't even know us.  I love you precious girls.  Always and forever.


Love your Mommy




Ive been missing Ava and Teagan so much lately and just so sad.  It is hard for others to understand and I'm glad they don't because that means they have been in a similar situation and I don't want anyone to feel that.  I carried my girls knowing that their chances of survival were so slim but I gave them a chance at life.  That for me was the ONLY option.  I went into an operating room and was put to sleep fearing they would be gone before I ever woke up.  I thank God every single day that it didn't happen and that I had time with my girls.  I live with so much guilt for things I know weren't in my control but I cant help it.   I look at their pictures and miss their perfect little faces.  I know I will see them again though.  Obviously dealing with the death of my daughters has been extremely difficult and since then I have had a rough time going through 3 surgeries and the pain, healing and frustrations with all of those.  I feel pretty beat up on the inside and outside!  Right now, as selfish as it may be, all I try to do is make sure my children are taken care of and happy and to just get through the days.  My family and true friends understand that and don't make me feel bad or guilty for that.  They understand where I am at and support me 100% and will be there to help me through it all. They know they don't have to do or say anything but just make sure I know they care and will be here for me through it all.  I love you all and thank you so very much.

Walk to Remember 2011

We attended the annual Walk to Remember last weekend.  October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  While our situation is very uncommon the loss of a baby during pregnancy or after delivery is not.  Its nice to have a day where you can just be with people who have experienced what for me is the worse loss imaginable.  We remember our babies every single day of course but to go to something like this was nice.  We did the 1 mile walk (I did the whole thing on my crutches!) and at the end released balloons in memory of our precious girls.  After we went inside where they read off the names of each baby and give you a rose and a little gifts.  Several people went up and read some very touching poems.  I miss my girls so much every single day.  It has not gotten easier for me but I hope in time it can.  I know the pain will never go away but will become more bearable.

Moments

Its funny how in life something happens and you think "this is the worse day of my life" and really think it couldn't be any worse.  I've done it many times and at the moment really felt like that.  Now I can think back to some of those moments when I felt like that and it was nothing.  Nothing compared to what we have gone through this year.  Now I can without hesitation tell you the worse 3 moments of my life.  They are all equally horrible for different reasons.


*Telling the doctors that we were ready to take our daughters off of the ventilators.  It was a moment I knew was coming from the moment I woke up from my surgery.   It was in the back of my mind every moment I spent with them.  It was something I did not want to do but knew I had to.  I kept putting it off.  The moment we told the doctor we were ready tore me apart.  Its an absolutely horrible thing to have to do.  It still tears me apart today.  I know we did what was right for those sweet babies but it doesn't mean it makes me feel better.  I feel horrible about it.


*Watching our girl take their last breaths was gut wrenching.  I felt like I was going to die with them.  A part of me did die at that moment.  A part of my heart will forever be missing :(  I'm so thankful that those 2 hours were spent right on my chest.  I'm so grateful that in those moments in my arms sweet Teagan opened her eyes and looked right at me.  I love those little girls sooo very much.


*March 24th was the day that we laid them to rest.  Another absolutely horrible moment.  Jason and I spent about a hour with them before their funeral.  It weird, it was sad but peaceful at the same time.  I didn't cry in that hour as much as I had anticipated.  They looked so beautiful in their pretty white dress our wonderful friend Alisha made for them.  They were beautiful and peaceful.  The funeral part was horrible.  I felt like I wasn't even in my body.  Sitting there I felt like they cant be talking about OUR BABIES.  When we went outside to the grave site and it was over I couldn't bring myself to get up and go to their casket to say our last goodbye.  I didn't want it to be over and didn't want to have to walk away.  You just are not suppose to have to plan a funeral for your babies and bury them. 


I can easily say those 3 things are things that still make me feel sick to my stomach when I think about them.  I hate that anyone ever has to go through these things.  Its just so unfair.  What I am grateful for is the 2 days we had with our Angels here in earth!  I thank God every single day for choosing us to be their Mommy and Daddy and for giving us those 2 days with them. 

Beautiful song

This song was on a slideshow I just had made of our girls.  Its playing at the beginning before you start it and I really like it alot.  It is beautiful.  You may need tissues!  I know I did :)

6 months

6 month ago today Ava and Teagan were born.  Its hard to believe 6 months have gone by already.  Time goes by so fast but I feel like it was just yesterday I was holding them in my arms.  I want that memory to stay fresh in my mind forever. 

They should be 6 months old today.  They would be sitting and getting ready to start crawling.   They would be starting to eat yummy baby food.  They would be giggling all day long.  Babbling away to us.  Doing all the normal things babies do at 6 months.  That would be in a perfect situation with  2 healthy babies.  In the situation we were given they probably wouldn't be doing those things but they would just be here with us and that would be enough.

I always wonder what they would look like and what kind of personalities they would have.  I think they would have brown hair and dark complexions just like B and B.  I think they would have eyes like Brooklyn but blue!  I think they would have Braydens smile.  A good friend actually had a dream about them and said they were about 3 and had Braydens smile.  That's how she knew it had to be them in her dream!  I think Ava would be so sweet, calm, relaxed and laid back but sensitive.  She was very relaxed and when she would open her eyes she would just open them enough to peek out.  I think Teagan would be just as sweet but very curious and eager to be everywhere!  Every time she would open her eyes she would open them wide and take everything in.  I remember holding them in my arms the last hours of their life and she opened her eyes big and wide and just looked directly into mine.  Its a moment that still takes my breath away in a good way and a bad way.  It gives me butterflies to think about that moment.

Today the kids and I went to the cemetery and took along some roses to leave our sweet girls that we miss dearly.  Here is a picture of their markers with the roses.

Blessed

In such tragedy its hard to see that you are also blessed.  Lately I have been having a very difficult time with the loss of our girls.  I think because of everything going on with me medically since (c-section, 2 other major surgeries on my abdomen and another surgery on my leg coming up) the loss of Ava and Teagan I really haven't been able to process everything.  I haven't accepted anything yet and haven't had time to grieve.  Today I was thinking a lot about my girls, as I do everyday, and thought how lucky I am that I was chosen to be the mother of these 2 beautiful girls.  Jason and I are so blessed that they are our babies.  I thank God every single day for them and letting us have 2 unforgettable days with them.  For letting us have the chance to hold them, see them move, see them cry (although we never heard it due to the vents) smell them, touch them, kiss them and just love them unconditionally.  I am glad that God chose us for these girls because we gave them every chance we could.  Although I prayed everyday for them to be ok I knew the chances of them living long were very slim but we still gave them the chance to live as long as God wanted them here.  There are many people that would have never done that.  For us, terminating my pregnancy was not an option.  They may have only been here for 2 short days but they never suffered, they never struggled, they were comfortable and loved beyond words.  We are blessed that we know that kind of love.   Mommy loves you sweet babies and I miss you every moment of every day!

LOVE

Love is one thing I know our precious daughters did not lack.  We made sure they felt all the love we had for them!  They also always had each other to hug and that's how must their time was spent.  Their little arms around each other. 

When people do good...

You stalk them!  What else would you possibly do?  Well at least that's what I did a few months ago!  Ok I didnt literally stalk him just hunted him down at the hospital.


When I went in the operating room to have Ava and Teagan Jason was not allowed in there because they were putting me to sleep.  I was already obviously a nervous wreck as everything was happening so fast and I wasn't expecting to be giving birth that day.  Well there was a man in there and I had no idea at the time what his job was.  He stood by my head the whole time and just kept talking to me and keeping me calm.  As calm as I could be at least.  I was so glad to have someone like that right there since Jason couldn't be there with me.  Well this man was also in the NICU with the babies once they were born and was still there when I finally was out of recovery and wheeled up on my bed to be with them.  This man insisted to the nurses to give me my babies and let me hold them.  Jason said they seemed very hesitant to do this since the girls were on ventilators, iv's and monitors.  They were fragile.  He just kept telling them to give me my babies.  So they did.  I think he just wanted to make sure I got to hold my babies while they were still here with us. I got to hold my babies right then and it is one memory that is still do fresh in my memory and one I will never forget.  So this probably really doesn't seem like a big deal.  It is!  I was pretty out of it from surgery and seeing my babies the way they were I don't know that I would have thought to insist on holding them.  I think I would have been too scared.  So for him to make sure that I got to hold them meant the world to me.  It was only 1 of 2 times I was able to hold them in my arms. 


This man was on my mind alot after that and I had no idea who he was.  He was so nice and just a warm person who you could tell loved his job and cared about people and what he does.  Well I had no clue what his name was.  I really wanted to tell him thank you.  I had a few pictures of Jason holding the girls and he is in the pictures.  So guess what I did?  I stalked him!  Ok not really.  I took my camera to the hospital and was on a mission to find him.  I get there and go to the desk where you go to get checked in when you are there to have a baby.  Standing there was ok for me.  The girls were trying to help me figure out who he was.  I'm sure they thought I was crazy :)  They looked at the picture and were looking me up on the computer to try to figure it out.  Well I decided it would probably be better to go over to the NICU thinking they would probably know.  So I get over there to the desk....and completely lose it.  It was very hard standing right there where I last saw my babies.  So through my tears...ok my sobbing...I was showing them the picture and explaining to them why I was there.  I delivered my girls at 749pm so I assumed he worked night since he was there then and there at like 2am.  I was thinking they might not know since they were the day shift (These are all assumptions I have no clue when he works lol) Well as I'm showing them the picture the door to the NICU opens and guess who walks out.  THE MAN does!  I looked and saw him and said that's him!   Don't I sound completely crazy!  Well he came over to me and didn't recognize me at first.  I didn't expect him to but as soon as I said he was there when my conjoined twins were delivered he knew exactly who I was.  So we stood there and talked for awhile.  I had a letter for him so I just told him that I felt like people that do good don't get recognized enough.  I feel like if someone isn't happy with something someone does that's when things are said.  I wanted him to know that even though he did something he probably didn't even think was a big deal it was a huge deal to me.  Anyway we talked for awhile, I gave him the letter and we went on our ways.  I really hope that he sat down and read that letter and it made his day.  It felt so good to give it to him and know he knew how much it all meant to me.  By the way this man was a wonderful Neonatal Nurse Practitioner.


So the next time someone does something nice or good, no matter how big or small, make sure to let them know you recognize it :)


I sure do miss my beautiful little Angels.  34 weeks in my belly and 2 days here on earth and they changed me and my life forever.  I learned so much from them.

"We thought of you with love today,
But that is nothing new.
We thought about you yesterday,
And days before that too.

We think of you in silence,
We often speak your name;
All we have now are memories,
And your picture in a frame.

Your memory is our keepsake,
With which we will never part;
God has you in his keep,
We have you in our heart.

It broke our heart to lose you.
But you didn't go alone,
For a part of us went with you...
The day God took you home."


Author Unknown

Carrying conjoined twins

The first 21 weeks of my pregnancy were completely normal.  Besides the fact that I had HORRIBLE morning sickness.  That was just miserable. I didn't have any with B or B so that was new to me.  Everything else was completely normal.  We had an ultrasound at 7 1/2 weeks which showed a baby with a good heartbeat.  We had 3 completely normal appointments with a good heartbeat every time.  I worried like crazy in the beginning (like normal) I had 2 miscarriages between B and B so I worried about that of course.  Everything just felt good and normal.  Then at 20 weeks 5 days we went for our normal ultrasound that we were of course so excited for.  That's when life and my pregnancy changed.  That was when we found out we were carrying conjoined twin girls.  All we were really told is they were conjoined at their chest sharing a heart.  The following week at 21 weeks 1 day is when we found out details of our girls.  We found out that they each had 2 perfect brains, 2 perfect legs, 2 perfect arms, 10 perfect toes, 10 perfect fingers, and each had all the organs they needed.  They shared a liver and a 4 chamber heart.  At first we were told 7 but the next day it was found it was 4.  I was so angry.  I was so sad.  I was absolutely devastated.  If only the egg had just split we would have 2 perfect baby girls in our arms today.  Despite all that our baby girls were absolutely perfect to us.  I'm so grateful that none of our doctors ever tried to pressure us to terminate our pregnancy.  It wasn't an option for us so it would not have mattered if they did because it would not have changed our minds.  Our girls were not and would not suffer so for us personally we would never terminate the pregnancy. I was just glad not to have someone trying to convince us to do that.  We were lucky to never have anyone say rude, hurtful or negative things to us.  I had one person ask me why I would go through it all and not just terminate them.  I explained to her all the reason why I wouldnt terminate. She didn't have much to say after that :) I wanted to allow them every chance I could to live. I loved my baby girls from the moment I knew I was pregnant and that love grows everyday when you are carrying a baby inside of you.  It did not change that day we found out.  If anything it grew 10 times stronger.  If you read statistics they say 40-60% of conjoined twins are stillborn.  I was not going to let a day go by not loving them with everything in me.  I wanted them to feel that.  There are so many more emotions that come along with carrying conjoined twins (or any baby that you know has a very slim chance of survival)  It is not easy at all.  That first week after we found out I didn't hardly sleep at all.  The entire time I was pregnant I constantly worried about them.  If I didn't feel them move I panicked thinking something was wrong.  I love being pregnant and I enjoyed my pregnancy with B and B but I really really tried to embrace every single moment with my girls worrying that I would only know them inside of me.  Of course I had days where I broke down and was just done being pregnant but I snapped out of that real quick.  I loved every single kick, punch, nudge, ache and pain.  Our girls were head down early on and never changed positions.  I went to one appointment and somehow they had managed to change sides!  Basically they rolled over each other.  Baby A was always on my left and baby B on my right.  That day baby B was on my left and baby A was on my right.  We knew this from the ultrasound . It was amazing that they did this!  Well a few days later they were moving like crazy.  My stomach looked crazy!  I just knew those little girls switched back to the other way!  Sure enough at my ultrasound a few days later we saw that they had.  I loved that!  I loved feeling them so full of life inside me!  They were strong and they were alive and I was so grateful for that.  I was lucky enough to carry my girls till 34 weeks.  I had them at 34 weeks 1 day.  That was the day Ava and Teagan were ready to come in to this world!  They may have only been here a few short days but they taught me a lot.  I feel like I learned a lot about myself and life carrying them and them being here with us those 2 days.  I love B and B with everything in me and unconditionally but with Ava and Teagan I felt like I really felt what unconditional love is.  I learned to appreciate each and everything thing no matter how big or small.  I learned that there are so many things in life that you let get to you that really just don't matter.  I learned it really can be worse than it is and to try to remember that everyday.  These are all things that I already knew I just feel like I really feel and know these things now.  I really learned what real true heartbreak feels like.  Losing my babies is hands down the worse feeling and worse loss I have ever felt in my life.  Watching your babies take their last breaths and burying your babies is one of the worse feelings you can possibly imagine.  They may have only been here with us for 2 days but those 2 days are days I will never ever forget.  I hope in those 2 days they felt the tremendous amount of love we had for them.  I will miss my babies every single day.  I will love them every single day. One thing I'm most certain about is that fact that I will be with them again one day forever.  Until then I hope they are looking down on me and are proud that I am their mommy. 

March 15th

Tuesday March 15th was just like any other Tuesday.  I had a doctors appointment that day just like I had every Tuesday for the last 3 months.  It was scheduled for the afternoon so that Jason could come home and watch the kids.  My appointments were just too long to have to take them to.  So he came home and I headed to the doctor.  They always did my ultrasound first.  So the girl does all the normal things that they always do.  Measuring and checking everything on the girls.  They would always check my cervical length by ultrasound every week.  Well when she did it I saw that it was very short and I also saw a black spot that was normally not there.  She finished up and went and got my doctor.  She came in and said that it had shortened a lot, which I knew, and that they could see that I was dilated but they cant tell you how many cm from the ultrasound.  My normal perintologist was gone on vacation so we went in and talked to the doctor that was there while he was gone.  Both my doctors there agreed I need to go to the hospital to be monitored and see where I was at.  First the tried to get me to be air vaced to the hospital.  Umm not happening!  Then they tried to get me to go to the hospital across the street and have them take me by ambulance.  I convinced them I would be fine driving :)  So I met Jason half way between our house and the doctor and we went together to the hospital.  We got there around 5:10pm and were back in a room getting settled in and hooked up about 525pm.  They hooked me up to monitor contractions and I was having them about every 6 minutes.  Then the doctor checked me and I was 4cm dilated and 100% effaced.  Once they had all this info they immediately decided that they would be delivering our babies right away.  I cant even begin to explain the emotions that I had in those moments.  For one everything felt like it was happening so fast so you almost feel like you are in shock.  You know for months that this moment is coming but when its there its not something you are prepared for.   I was so scared.  I was nervous.  I was excited to see their faces.  I was just so many things.  I didn't really have time to process it all.  So many doctors and nurses were coming in to introduce themselves and explain things to me.  Its all kind of a blur.  One of the hardest things for me was the fact that these 2 doctors that I have never seen before were going to be delivering our babies.  They didn't know me or a single thing about me.  I hated it!  They came in and told me that because of how high my incision was going to be (its goes all the way up to about 4 inches above my bellybutton) they would have to put me to sleep for the c section.  I was not happy at all.  I was so scared that I would not be able to see my babies alive.  They also told me that I needed to sign  to either have my tubes tied or a hysterectomy because of the large incision and the fact that I have had 2 other c sections.  I was devastated as this was never talked of with my regular doctor.  Looking back now I wish I would have fought this and asked more questions.  It was all just so crazy at the time that I just trusted in them.  I just pray that they were right but there is nothing I can do now because they did tie my tubes after my babies were delivered.  At 7:49pm our beautiful daughters were born.  I was put to sleep and Jason was not allowed in the delivery room.  We were told that they cried as soon as they were born but then had difficulty breathing.  They then put them on ventilators.  I was out for about 2 1/2 hours.  Jason went right with Ava and Teagan to the NICU.  I remember waking up and the only two things I thought was "Oh my gosh I hurt soooo bad!"  All I remember is crying saying it hurts it hurts it hurts.  The other thing was of course "Are my babies ok"  I could not stop thinking but was too scared to ask the nurse in there with me.  She started talking about them like they were ok.  Jason came in shortly after and started talking about them and I knew that for then they were ok.  He showed me some pictures and told me about them :)  I was so grateful that I was going to be able to hold my babies and see them alive and breathing and moving!  Once I was ok to leave recovery they wheeled me up to the NICU to be with our babies.  Holding them for the first time was one of the best feelings in the world.  I will never ever forget those moments.  I did not want to put them down.  They were beautiful and physically on the outside they were absolutely perfect.  They just had to be conjoined at their chest.  It was hard so hard to look at them and accept the fact that they weren't going to be ok.  I still havent accepted it.  Life is just so unfair at times!  I can honestly say that despite the face that I knew they wouldn't be ok March 15th was one of the best days of my life because that is the day that we got to bring our precious girls into this world and meet them. 

I just wanted to share more details on the day we welcomed Ava and Teagan.  It was an important day for us and with them not being here all I can do is share the memories we do have of them. 

Here are a few pictures from the first time I was able to hold Ava and Teagan

Did you know....

Conjoined twins occur once every 200,000 live births (Ive read different numbers, as high as 400,000, but this seems to the the most used number)

Approximately 40 to 60 percent of conjoined twins arrive stillborn, and about 35 percent survive only one day. The overall survival rate of conjoined twins is somewhere between 5 percent and 25 percent

Conjoined twins are genetically identical, and are, therefore, always the same sex. They develop from the same fertilized egg, and they share the same amniotic cavity and placenta

Are more often female than male, at a ratio of 3:1

 Those are some of the facts about conjoined twins. We were blessed with 2 days with our precious girls. To me, they are not only our little blessings but also our little miracles.

Neckalce

Here are 2 pictures of the necklace I ordered.  The print on the left is Teagan and the print on the right is Ava.  There isnt enough room for all 4 of their feet prints so I just did one of each :)  I love it!  Check out www.myforeverchild.com

Time...

Ive never really paid much attention to dates.  Of course the obvious ones such as major holidays and loved ones birthdays you pay attention.  Now every month when I see the 15th and the 17th its kind of like someone punches me in the stomach.  It just instantly puts me in a really down mood.  This month the 15th was 5 months ago that our girls entered this world.  The 17th had been 5 months since they left.  Every month I think "Today my baby girls should be 2, 3,4 months old and every month on the 17th I think "my baby girls have been gone for 2,3,4 months."  I'm thinking of maybe just pretending that the 15th and the 17th don't exist.  That could work :)  I miss my babies so very much and the pain of their loss gets worse for me with each passing day.  Ive had a lot of other medical things going on since their birth that have made everything feel so much worse.  I keep reminding myself that it HAS to get better.  The physical things will.  I feel like I'm a different person since March 17th, 2011.  In good ways and not so good ways.  For now its not something I'm focused on.  Right now my goal is to just manage to get through each day and to take care of and love my sweet B & B.  They keep me going that's for sure.  I saw a quote the other day and I cant remember exactly what it said.  Something along the lines of when you go through a tragedy like this friends become strangers and strangers become friends.  I find this to be soo very true!  I'm sad for the people that aren't close to me anymore but I'm so very grateful for God bringing certain people into my life through this all.  I have made a very good friend that had lost her twin boys at the same time we lost Ava and Teagan.  I am so very thankful for her!  I have also started talking to a few ladies that have lost conjoined twins or are pregnant with conjoined twins right now.  Its so nice to talk to other people that have been through the same thing.  They can understand all the emotions that come along with carrying these special babies knowing that the chances for them are not good.  They know what it feels like to have to carry them and make decisions that are best for them even though it means you will hurt so badly.  Its just not an easy thing to go through. 


This is one of the first pictures of our girls we shared with everyone.  I think they were so beautiful and in my eyes absolutely perfect!

Little Feet Prints

See those cute tiny little feet prints to the right and down a little bit?  Sunday night I ordered a necklace that is going to have them on it!  It will have Ava's left foot and Teagan's right foot on it.  Its going to have "Too Perfect For Earth" engraved on the back.  I am so excited to get it.  I have a beautiful necklace that my amazing sister in law Crystal got for me that has a picture of the babies on it.  I cherish it soo much!  I will have 2 wonderful necklaces to switch between now!  Check this website out.  It has amazing jewelry on there!  I will be sure to post a picture as soon as I get it in! 
http://www.myforeverchild.com/store/WsDefault.asp?Cat=Handprint-FootprintJewelry&Sub=75&isThumbs=Yes&Thumbs=100

Or on facebook

https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.501691948391.272496.518713391&type=1#!/myforeverchild

Its been awhile

I haven't written on here since our girls passed away and didn't intend to at all.  I decided maybe I should.  I have been missing my girls terrible since March 17th.  Not one single day goes by that I don't think of them.  Really not a single minute.  They are constantly on my mind.  I miss their sweet faces so much.  I know the pain of it all will never completely go away but I hope with time I can learn to deal with it and make it a little more bearable.  For now I just take it each day at a time and try to make it through.  We will never ever forget our sweet babies and I hope nobody else does either.  I want them to always be remembered!

Those are 2 cute little faces that would be pretty hard to forget!  :)

I think about the day they were born, March 15th, all the time.  It was a horrible but joyful day.  Horrible because I knew that meant our time with them was coming to an end and would most likely be short.  Joyful because I finally got to see, touch, hold and just be there next to our babies.  When they were delivered I had to be put to sleep for the c section.  My surgery took over 2 hours.  I remember waking up and all I could think about (besides the horrible pain) was my babies.  I laid there wondering if they were alive and praying so hard they were.  I was so scared that in those 2 1/2 hours or so that they were already gone.  I remember being too scared to ask.  The nurse seemed to be talking like they were ok but I still didn't want to ask.  Finally Jason came in and started talking about them and I knew they were ok for then.  I was sooo grateful for that.  All I wanted was to be able to hold them!   Thanks to an awesome Neonatal Nurse Practitioner I got to do just that later that night despite all the NICU nurses being nervous about it.  I love him and I'm so glad he was there.  So much so that months after their birth I just may have stalked him down at the hospital to give him a letter. I didn't even know his name!  Haha that's a story for another day. 


Mommy misses you sooo much my precious angels.  I love you both soo much and someday I will see you again! 

"Those we love don't go away, they walk beside us every day.
Unseen, unheard, but always near; still loved, still missed and very dear."

R.I.P our sweet angels

"Tiny Angels rest your wings

sit with us for awhile.

How we long to hold your hands,

And see your tender smiles.

Tiny Angels, look at us,

We wamt this image clear....

That we will forget your precious faces

Is our biggest fear.

Tiny Angels can you tell us,

Why you have gone away?

You werent here for very long....

Why is it, you couldnt stay?

Tiny Angels shook thier heads,

These things we do not know...

But we do know that you love us,

And that we love you so."

Forever loved by many

March 15th-March 17, 2011

Maternity Pictures

Here are the rest of the maternity pictures we had done when I was 30 weeks.  I love them so much. 

Ava and Teagan March 15th-March 17th 2011

Tuesday afternoon I headed in to the doctor for my normal weekly appointment.  I was 34 weeks 1 day.  They did my ultrasound and everything looked good and the same with the babies.  They were measuring about 3lbs 10oz and 3lbs 11oz.  The girl measured my cervix and the week before it had been about 2.2cm and it was now about 1.4cm.  The tech went out and got my doctor and she came in and told me that it had shortened a lot and that she could see on the ultrasound that it was beginning to dilate.  My normal doctor that was going to be the one delivering wasn't there, he was on vacation.  So I saw a doctor that I have never seen before.  Her and my other doctor both said I needed to go straight to the hospital to be admitted and monitored to see if I was actually in labor.  So we headed over there and got all checked in and hooked up to monitors.  I was contracting every 6 minutes or so.  The doctor checked me and I was 100% effaced and 4cm dilated.  This was at about 5:30pm.  From there everything went pretty fast.  Everything was set in motion to do the c-section and deliver our babies.  I met the two doctors that would be doing the c-section.  It was a little nerve racking seeing all these different doctors that I didn't know at all.  With the type of c-section they were going to have to do I had to be put to sleep and Jason wasn't allowed into the operating room.  At 7:49pm Ava Laurel and Teagan Marie entered this world.  They were 7lbs 10oz combined and 15 inches long.  The doctors said at first they started to cry but then started having some difficultly breathing so they had to intubate them.  Jason went right with them to the NICU while they finished up my c-section.  My surgery itself took a little over 2 hours.  As soon as I was awake they took me straight to the babies and they let me hold them.  I held them for about 45 minutes and then had to put them back.  Jason was also able to hold them.  I have loved them from the very beginning but my love multiplied way more then anyone can imagine unless you have had a child yourself. 

On Wednesday we spent the day just being by their side and touching them and looking at them as much as we could.  Our close family and closest friends were there and able to meet our angels.  Brooklyn was able to spend several hours with her baby sisters and she sure is a proud sister.  She made feet print and scrapbook pages that she is so proud of.  She was so sweet with them.  Just touching their little hands and feet and giving them many kisses.  We went to bed that night knowing what the next day would bring.  We have both always known that no matter what anyone did there was nothing that was going to change the outcome and that we would not put them through things that would not help.  Meaning that we would not keep them on breathing machines if they were starting to do worse even being on them.  I wish so badly that they had come out and not needed those and did so much better than anyone anticipated.  I wish that we had to make decisions about what next?  What do we do for them so they can survive and be here with us?  Sadly that is not the journey we were able to take.

Thursday morning we woke up and went straight to the babies and spent the morning with them and took many more pictures.  We had a wonderful photographer who took pictures the day before there to take some more of them.  (She also took my maternity pictures)  At noon we decided that it was time to take them off of ventilator. They were starting to depend on the vents (the setting were being increased) more and they were starting to have heart failure. Nobody really knew what was going to happen once they were taken off.  Sadly our girls left this world 2 hours after they were removed.  We spent those two short hours holding and loving our babies making sure they knew and felt that.  Our hearts hurt so badly not having our sweet girls here with us but have to try to find peace knowing that they are ok and in a better place.  We love them so much and are going to miss them terribly.  Two days is not long enough but that is what God gave us and those two days we will cherished forever.  We will never forget Ava and Teagan and will never stop loving or missing them.

Thank you to everyone who has prayed for our girls and our family.  It means so much to us and we appreciate it alot. 

Here are some pictures of the precious angels.

R.I.P our sweet angels Ava and Teagan