Moments

Its funny how in life something happens and you think "this is the worse day of my life" and really think it couldn't be any worse.  I've done it many times and at the moment really felt like that.  Now I can think back to some of those moments when I felt like that and it was nothing.  Nothing compared to what we have gone through this year.  Now I can without hesitation tell you the worse 3 moments of my life.  They are all equally horrible for different reasons.


*Telling the doctors that we were ready to take our daughters off of the ventilators.  It was a moment I knew was coming from the moment I woke up from my surgery.   It was in the back of my mind every moment I spent with them.  It was something I did not want to do but knew I had to.  I kept putting it off.  The moment we told the doctor we were ready tore me apart.  Its an absolutely horrible thing to have to do.  It still tears me apart today.  I know we did what was right for those sweet babies but it doesn't mean it makes me feel better.  I feel horrible about it.


*Watching our girl take their last breaths was gut wrenching.  I felt like I was going to die with them.  A part of me did die at that moment.  A part of my heart will forever be missing :(  I'm so thankful that those 2 hours were spent right on my chest.  I'm so grateful that in those moments in my arms sweet Teagan opened her eyes and looked right at me.  I love those little girls sooo very much.


*March 24th was the day that we laid them to rest.  Another absolutely horrible moment.  Jason and I spent about a hour with them before their funeral.  It weird, it was sad but peaceful at the same time.  I didn't cry in that hour as much as I had anticipated.  They looked so beautiful in their pretty white dress our wonderful friend Alisha made for them.  They were beautiful and peaceful.  The funeral part was horrible.  I felt like I wasn't even in my body.  Sitting there I felt like they cant be talking about OUR BABIES.  When we went outside to the grave site and it was over I couldn't bring myself to get up and go to their casket to say our last goodbye.  I didn't want it to be over and didn't want to have to walk away.  You just are not suppose to have to plan a funeral for your babies and bury them. 


I can easily say those 3 things are things that still make me feel sick to my stomach when I think about them.  I hate that anyone ever has to go through these things.  Its just so unfair.  What I am grateful for is the 2 days we had with our Angels here in earth!  I thank God every single day for choosing us to be their Mommy and Daddy and for giving us those 2 days with them. 

Beautiful song

This song was on a slideshow I just had made of our girls.  Its playing at the beginning before you start it and I really like it alot.  It is beautiful.  You may need tissues!  I know I did :)

6 months

6 month ago today Ava and Teagan were born.  Its hard to believe 6 months have gone by already.  Time goes by so fast but I feel like it was just yesterday I was holding them in my arms.  I want that memory to stay fresh in my mind forever. 

They should be 6 months old today.  They would be sitting and getting ready to start crawling.   They would be starting to eat yummy baby food.  They would be giggling all day long.  Babbling away to us.  Doing all the normal things babies do at 6 months.  That would be in a perfect situation with  2 healthy babies.  In the situation we were given they probably wouldn't be doing those things but they would just be here with us and that would be enough.

I always wonder what they would look like and what kind of personalities they would have.  I think they would have brown hair and dark complexions just like B and B.  I think they would have eyes like Brooklyn but blue!  I think they would have Braydens smile.  A good friend actually had a dream about them and said they were about 3 and had Braydens smile.  That's how she knew it had to be them in her dream!  I think Ava would be so sweet, calm, relaxed and laid back but sensitive.  She was very relaxed and when she would open her eyes she would just open them enough to peek out.  I think Teagan would be just as sweet but very curious and eager to be everywhere!  Every time she would open her eyes she would open them wide and take everything in.  I remember holding them in my arms the last hours of their life and she opened her eyes big and wide and just looked directly into mine.  Its a moment that still takes my breath away in a good way and a bad way.  It gives me butterflies to think about that moment.

Today the kids and I went to the cemetery and took along some roses to leave our sweet girls that we miss dearly.  Here is a picture of their markers with the roses.

Blessed

In such tragedy its hard to see that you are also blessed.  Lately I have been having a very difficult time with the loss of our girls.  I think because of everything going on with me medically since (c-section, 2 other major surgeries on my abdomen and another surgery on my leg coming up) the loss of Ava and Teagan I really haven't been able to process everything.  I haven't accepted anything yet and haven't had time to grieve.  Today I was thinking a lot about my girls, as I do everyday, and thought how lucky I am that I was chosen to be the mother of these 2 beautiful girls.  Jason and I are so blessed that they are our babies.  I thank God every single day for them and letting us have 2 unforgettable days with them.  For letting us have the chance to hold them, see them move, see them cry (although we never heard it due to the vents) smell them, touch them, kiss them and just love them unconditionally.  I am glad that God chose us for these girls because we gave them every chance we could.  Although I prayed everyday for them to be ok I knew the chances of them living long were very slim but we still gave them the chance to live as long as God wanted them here.  There are many people that would have never done that.  For us, terminating my pregnancy was not an option.  They may have only been here for 2 short days but they never suffered, they never struggled, they were comfortable and loved beyond words.  We are blessed that we know that kind of love.   Mommy loves you sweet babies and I miss you every moment of every day!

LOVE

Love is one thing I know our precious daughters did not lack.  We made sure they felt all the love we had for them!  They also always had each other to hug and that's how must their time was spent.  Their little arms around each other. 

When people do good...

You stalk them!  What else would you possibly do?  Well at least that's what I did a few months ago!  Ok I didnt literally stalk him just hunted him down at the hospital.


When I went in the operating room to have Ava and Teagan Jason was not allowed in there because they were putting me to sleep.  I was already obviously a nervous wreck as everything was happening so fast and I wasn't expecting to be giving birth that day.  Well there was a man in there and I had no idea at the time what his job was.  He stood by my head the whole time and just kept talking to me and keeping me calm.  As calm as I could be at least.  I was so glad to have someone like that right there since Jason couldn't be there with me.  Well this man was also in the NICU with the babies once they were born and was still there when I finally was out of recovery and wheeled up on my bed to be with them.  This man insisted to the nurses to give me my babies and let me hold them.  Jason said they seemed very hesitant to do this since the girls were on ventilators, iv's and monitors.  They were fragile.  He just kept telling them to give me my babies.  So they did.  I think he just wanted to make sure I got to hold my babies while they were still here with us. I got to hold my babies right then and it is one memory that is still do fresh in my memory and one I will never forget.  So this probably really doesn't seem like a big deal.  It is!  I was pretty out of it from surgery and seeing my babies the way they were I don't know that I would have thought to insist on holding them.  I think I would have been too scared.  So for him to make sure that I got to hold them meant the world to me.  It was only 1 of 2 times I was able to hold them in my arms. 


This man was on my mind alot after that and I had no idea who he was.  He was so nice and just a warm person who you could tell loved his job and cared about people and what he does.  Well I had no clue what his name was.  I really wanted to tell him thank you.  I had a few pictures of Jason holding the girls and he is in the pictures.  So guess what I did?  I stalked him!  Ok not really.  I took my camera to the hospital and was on a mission to find him.  I get there and go to the desk where you go to get checked in when you are there to have a baby.  Standing there was ok for me.  The girls were trying to help me figure out who he was.  I'm sure they thought I was crazy :)  They looked at the picture and were looking me up on the computer to try to figure it out.  Well I decided it would probably be better to go over to the NICU thinking they would probably know.  So I get over there to the desk....and completely lose it.  It was very hard standing right there where I last saw my babies.  So through my tears...ok my sobbing...I was showing them the picture and explaining to them why I was there.  I delivered my girls at 749pm so I assumed he worked night since he was there then and there at like 2am.  I was thinking they might not know since they were the day shift (These are all assumptions I have no clue when he works lol) Well as I'm showing them the picture the door to the NICU opens and guess who walks out.  THE MAN does!  I looked and saw him and said that's him!   Don't I sound completely crazy!  Well he came over to me and didn't recognize me at first.  I didn't expect him to but as soon as I said he was there when my conjoined twins were delivered he knew exactly who I was.  So we stood there and talked for awhile.  I had a letter for him so I just told him that I felt like people that do good don't get recognized enough.  I feel like if someone isn't happy with something someone does that's when things are said.  I wanted him to know that even though he did something he probably didn't even think was a big deal it was a huge deal to me.  Anyway we talked for awhile, I gave him the letter and we went on our ways.  I really hope that he sat down and read that letter and it made his day.  It felt so good to give it to him and know he knew how much it all meant to me.  By the way this man was a wonderful Neonatal Nurse Practitioner.


So the next time someone does something nice or good, no matter how big or small, make sure to let them know you recognize it :)


I sure do miss my beautiful little Angels.  34 weeks in my belly and 2 days here on earth and they changed me and my life forever.  I learned so much from them.

"We thought of you with love today,
But that is nothing new.
We thought about you yesterday,
And days before that too.

We think of you in silence,
We often speak your name;
All we have now are memories,
And your picture in a frame.

Your memory is our keepsake,
With which we will never part;
God has you in his keep,
We have you in our heart.

It broke our heart to lose you.
But you didn't go alone,
For a part of us went with you...
The day God took you home."


Author Unknown

Carrying conjoined twins

The first 21 weeks of my pregnancy were completely normal.  Besides the fact that I had HORRIBLE morning sickness.  That was just miserable. I didn't have any with B or B so that was new to me.  Everything else was completely normal.  We had an ultrasound at 7 1/2 weeks which showed a baby with a good heartbeat.  We had 3 completely normal appointments with a good heartbeat every time.  I worried like crazy in the beginning (like normal) I had 2 miscarriages between B and B so I worried about that of course.  Everything just felt good and normal.  Then at 20 weeks 5 days we went for our normal ultrasound that we were of course so excited for.  That's when life and my pregnancy changed.  That was when we found out we were carrying conjoined twin girls.  All we were really told is they were conjoined at their chest sharing a heart.  The following week at 21 weeks 1 day is when we found out details of our girls.  We found out that they each had 2 perfect brains, 2 perfect legs, 2 perfect arms, 10 perfect toes, 10 perfect fingers, and each had all the organs they needed.  They shared a liver and a 4 chamber heart.  At first we were told 7 but the next day it was found it was 4.  I was so angry.  I was so sad.  I was absolutely devastated.  If only the egg had just split we would have 2 perfect baby girls in our arms today.  Despite all that our baby girls were absolutely perfect to us.  I'm so grateful that none of our doctors ever tried to pressure us to terminate our pregnancy.  It wasn't an option for us so it would not have mattered if they did because it would not have changed our minds.  Our girls were not and would not suffer so for us personally we would never terminate the pregnancy. I was just glad not to have someone trying to convince us to do that.  We were lucky to never have anyone say rude, hurtful or negative things to us.  I had one person ask me why I would go through it all and not just terminate them.  I explained to her all the reason why I wouldnt terminate. She didn't have much to say after that :) I wanted to allow them every chance I could to live. I loved my baby girls from the moment I knew I was pregnant and that love grows everyday when you are carrying a baby inside of you.  It did not change that day we found out.  If anything it grew 10 times stronger.  If you read statistics they say 40-60% of conjoined twins are stillborn.  I was not going to let a day go by not loving them with everything in me.  I wanted them to feel that.  There are so many more emotions that come along with carrying conjoined twins (or any baby that you know has a very slim chance of survival)  It is not easy at all.  That first week after we found out I didn't hardly sleep at all.  The entire time I was pregnant I constantly worried about them.  If I didn't feel them move I panicked thinking something was wrong.  I love being pregnant and I enjoyed my pregnancy with B and B but I really really tried to embrace every single moment with my girls worrying that I would only know them inside of me.  Of course I had days where I broke down and was just done being pregnant but I snapped out of that real quick.  I loved every single kick, punch, nudge, ache and pain.  Our girls were head down early on and never changed positions.  I went to one appointment and somehow they had managed to change sides!  Basically they rolled over each other.  Baby A was always on my left and baby B on my right.  That day baby B was on my left and baby A was on my right.  We knew this from the ultrasound . It was amazing that they did this!  Well a few days later they were moving like crazy.  My stomach looked crazy!  I just knew those little girls switched back to the other way!  Sure enough at my ultrasound a few days later we saw that they had.  I loved that!  I loved feeling them so full of life inside me!  They were strong and they were alive and I was so grateful for that.  I was lucky enough to carry my girls till 34 weeks.  I had them at 34 weeks 1 day.  That was the day Ava and Teagan were ready to come in to this world!  They may have only been here a few short days but they taught me a lot.  I feel like I learned a lot about myself and life carrying them and them being here with us those 2 days.  I love B and B with everything in me and unconditionally but with Ava and Teagan I felt like I really felt what unconditional love is.  I learned to appreciate each and everything thing no matter how big or small.  I learned that there are so many things in life that you let get to you that really just don't matter.  I learned it really can be worse than it is and to try to remember that everyday.  These are all things that I already knew I just feel like I really feel and know these things now.  I really learned what real true heartbreak feels like.  Losing my babies is hands down the worse feeling and worse loss I have ever felt in my life.  Watching your babies take their last breaths and burying your babies is one of the worse feelings you can possibly imagine.  They may have only been here with us for 2 days but those 2 days are days I will never ever forget.  I hope in those 2 days they felt the tremendous amount of love we had for them.  I will miss my babies every single day.  I will love them every single day. One thing I'm most certain about is that fact that I will be with them again one day forever.  Until then I hope they are looking down on me and are proud that I am their mommy.