March 15th

Tuesday March 15th was just like any other Tuesday.  I had a doctors appointment that day just like I had every Tuesday for the last 3 months.  It was scheduled for the afternoon so that Jason could come home and watch the kids.  My appointments were just too long to have to take them to.  So he came home and I headed to the doctor.  They always did my ultrasound first.  So the girl does all the normal things that they always do.  Measuring and checking everything on the girls.  They would always check my cervical length by ultrasound every week.  Well when she did it I saw that it was very short and I also saw a black spot that was normally not there.  She finished up and went and got my doctor.  She came in and said that it had shortened a lot, which I knew, and that they could see that I was dilated but they cant tell you how many cm from the ultrasound.  My normal perintologist was gone on vacation so we went in and talked to the doctor that was there while he was gone.  Both my doctors there agreed I need to go to the hospital to be monitored and see where I was at.  First the tried to get me to be air vaced to the hospital.  Umm not happening!  Then they tried to get me to go to the hospital across the street and have them take me by ambulance.  I convinced them I would be fine driving :)  So I met Jason half way between our house and the doctor and we went together to the hospital.  We got there around 5:10pm and were back in a room getting settled in and hooked up about 525pm.  They hooked me up to monitor contractions and I was having them about every 6 minutes.  Then the doctor checked me and I was 4cm dilated and 100% effaced.  Once they had all this info they immediately decided that they would be delivering our babies right away.  I cant even begin to explain the emotions that I had in those moments.  For one everything felt like it was happening so fast so you almost feel like you are in shock.  You know for months that this moment is coming but when its there its not something you are prepared for.   I was so scared.  I was nervous.  I was excited to see their faces.  I was just so many things.  I didn't really have time to process it all.  So many doctors and nurses were coming in to introduce themselves and explain things to me.  Its all kind of a blur.  One of the hardest things for me was the fact that these 2 doctors that I have never seen before were going to be delivering our babies.  They didn't know me or a single thing about me.  I hated it!  They came in and told me that because of how high my incision was going to be (its goes all the way up to about 4 inches above my bellybutton) they would have to put me to sleep for the c section.  I was not happy at all.  I was so scared that I would not be able to see my babies alive.  They also told me that I needed to sign  to either have my tubes tied or a hysterectomy because of the large incision and the fact that I have had 2 other c sections.  I was devastated as this was never talked of with my regular doctor.  Looking back now I wish I would have fought this and asked more questions.  It was all just so crazy at the time that I just trusted in them.  I just pray that they were right but there is nothing I can do now because they did tie my tubes after my babies were delivered.  At 7:49pm our beautiful daughters were born.  I was put to sleep and Jason was not allowed in the delivery room.  We were told that they cried as soon as they were born but then had difficulty breathing.  They then put them on ventilators.  I was out for about 2 1/2 hours.  Jason went right with Ava and Teagan to the NICU.  I remember waking up and the only two things I thought was "Oh my gosh I hurt soooo bad!"  All I remember is crying saying it hurts it hurts it hurts.  The other thing was of course "Are my babies ok"  I could not stop thinking but was too scared to ask the nurse in there with me.  She started talking about them like they were ok.  Jason came in shortly after and started talking about them and I knew that for then they were ok.  He showed me some pictures and told me about them :)  I was so grateful that I was going to be able to hold my babies and see them alive and breathing and moving!  Once I was ok to leave recovery they wheeled me up to the NICU to be with our babies.  Holding them for the first time was one of the best feelings in the world.  I will never ever forget those moments.  I did not want to put them down.  They were beautiful and physically on the outside they were absolutely perfect.  They just had to be conjoined at their chest.  It was hard so hard to look at them and accept the fact that they weren't going to be ok.  I still havent accepted it.  Life is just so unfair at times!  I can honestly say that despite the face that I knew they wouldn't be ok March 15th was one of the best days of my life because that is the day that we got to bring our precious girls into this world and meet them. 

I just wanted to share more details on the day we welcomed Ava and Teagan.  It was an important day for us and with them not being here all I can do is share the memories we do have of them. 

Here are a few pictures from the first time I was able to hold Ava and Teagan