Moments

Its funny how in life something happens and you think "this is the worse day of my life" and really think it couldn't be any worse.  I've done it many times and at the moment really felt like that.  Now I can think back to some of those moments when I felt like that and it was nothing.  Nothing compared to what we have gone through this year.  Now I can without hesitation tell you the worse 3 moments of my life.  They are all equally horrible for different reasons.


*Telling the doctors that we were ready to take our daughters off of the ventilators.  It was a moment I knew was coming from the moment I woke up from my surgery.   It was in the back of my mind every moment I spent with them.  It was something I did not want to do but knew I had to.  I kept putting it off.  The moment we told the doctor we were ready tore me apart.  Its an absolutely horrible thing to have to do.  It still tears me apart today.  I know we did what was right for those sweet babies but it doesn't mean it makes me feel better.  I feel horrible about it.


*Watching our girl take their last breaths was gut wrenching.  I felt like I was going to die with them.  A part of me did die at that moment.  A part of my heart will forever be missing :(  I'm so thankful that those 2 hours were spent right on my chest.  I'm so grateful that in those moments in my arms sweet Teagan opened her eyes and looked right at me.  I love those little girls sooo very much.


*March 24th was the day that we laid them to rest.  Another absolutely horrible moment.  Jason and I spent about a hour with them before their funeral.  It weird, it was sad but peaceful at the same time.  I didn't cry in that hour as much as I had anticipated.  They looked so beautiful in their pretty white dress our wonderful friend Alisha made for them.  They were beautiful and peaceful.  The funeral part was horrible.  I felt like I wasn't even in my body.  Sitting there I felt like they cant be talking about OUR BABIES.  When we went outside to the grave site and it was over I couldn't bring myself to get up and go to their casket to say our last goodbye.  I didn't want it to be over and didn't want to have to walk away.  You just are not suppose to have to plan a funeral for your babies and bury them. 


I can easily say those 3 things are things that still make me feel sick to my stomach when I think about them.  I hate that anyone ever has to go through these things.  Its just so unfair.  What I am grateful for is the 2 days we had with our Angels here in earth!  I thank God every single day for choosing us to be their Mommy and Daddy and for giving us those 2 days with them.