Time...

Ive never really paid much attention to dates.  Of course the obvious ones such as major holidays and loved ones birthdays you pay attention.  Now every month when I see the 15th and the 17th its kind of like someone punches me in the stomach.  It just instantly puts me in a really down mood.  This month the 15th was 5 months ago that our girls entered this world.  The 17th had been 5 months since they left.  Every month I think "Today my baby girls should be 2, 3,4 months old and every month on the 17th I think "my baby girls have been gone for 2,3,4 months."  I'm thinking of maybe just pretending that the 15th and the 17th don't exist.  That could work :)  I miss my babies so very much and the pain of their loss gets worse for me with each passing day.  Ive had a lot of other medical things going on since their birth that have made everything feel so much worse.  I keep reminding myself that it HAS to get better.  The physical things will.  I feel like I'm a different person since March 17th, 2011.  In good ways and not so good ways.  For now its not something I'm focused on.  Right now my goal is to just manage to get through each day and to take care of and love my sweet B & B.  They keep me going that's for sure.  I saw a quote the other day and I cant remember exactly what it said.  Something along the lines of when you go through a tragedy like this friends become strangers and strangers become friends.  I find this to be soo very true!  I'm sad for the people that aren't close to me anymore but I'm so very grateful for God bringing certain people into my life through this all.  I have made a very good friend that had lost her twin boys at the same time we lost Ava and Teagan.  I am so very thankful for her!  I have also started talking to a few ladies that have lost conjoined twins or are pregnant with conjoined twins right now.  Its so nice to talk to other people that have been through the same thing.  They can understand all the emotions that come along with carrying these special babies knowing that the chances for them are not good.  They know what it feels like to have to carry them and make decisions that are best for them even though it means you will hurt so badly.  Its just not an easy thing to go through. 


This is one of the first pictures of our girls we shared with everyone.  I think they were so beautiful and in my eyes absolutely perfect!