I love you

"No one else will ever know the strength of my love for you.  After all, you are the only ones who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside"

This picture was taken when I was 30 weeks pregnant with Ava and Teagan

A friend (also a mother of conjoined twins) told me this quote and I loved it and wanted to share it :)

To my sweet girls

To my sweet babies Ava and Teagan,Mommy misses you so much every single day.  Lately it has been worse then it has been the last 7 1/2 months.  Every month I think, they should be 4,5,6 months old.  Today I'm sad that you aren't here to dress you up for Halloween.  When I look back at pictures of your sister when she was a baby I think of how you should be doing all the things shes doing in the pictures.  I see pictures of places we have taken your brother and sister and am sad that we never get to take you to those places.  A part of me is missing and will always be missing.  A part of me feels so empty without you.  I love you both soo very much.  I think about you constantly and will never ever forget you or the two precious days we had with you here.  Thanking you for blessing our lives.  You have touched and changed us forever and you have touched people that love you and people that don't even know us.  I love you precious girls.  Always and forever.


Love your Mommy




Ive been missing Ava and Teagan so much lately and just so sad.  It is hard for others to understand and I'm glad they don't because that means they have been in a similar situation and I don't want anyone to feel that.  I carried my girls knowing that their chances of survival were so slim but I gave them a chance at life.  That for me was the ONLY option.  I went into an operating room and was put to sleep fearing they would be gone before I ever woke up.  I thank God every single day that it didn't happen and that I had time with my girls.  I live with so much guilt for things I know weren't in my control but I cant help it.   I look at their pictures and miss their perfect little faces.  I know I will see them again though.  Obviously dealing with the death of my daughters has been extremely difficult and since then I have had a rough time going through 3 surgeries and the pain, healing and frustrations with all of those.  I feel pretty beat up on the inside and outside!  Right now, as selfish as it may be, all I try to do is make sure my children are taken care of and happy and to just get through the days.  My family and true friends understand that and don't make me feel bad or guilty for that.  They understand where I am at and support me 100% and will be there to help me through it all. They know they don't have to do or say anything but just make sure I know they care and will be here for me through it all.  I love you all and thank you so very much.

Walk to Remember 2011

We attended the annual Walk to Remember last weekend.  October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  While our situation is very uncommon the loss of a baby during pregnancy or after delivery is not.  Its nice to have a day where you can just be with people who have experienced what for me is the worse loss imaginable.  We remember our babies every single day of course but to go to something like this was nice.  We did the 1 mile walk (I did the whole thing on my crutches!) and at the end released balloons in memory of our precious girls.  After we went inside where they read off the names of each baby and give you a rose and a little gifts.  Several people went up and read some very touching poems.  I miss my girls so much every single day.  It has not gotten easier for me but I hope in time it can.  I know the pain will never go away but will become more bearable.