So many thoughts!!

I have so many thoughts in my head this week and don't even know where to start!  I do have more good days than bad days now.  It doesn't mean that I don't miss my girls every day because I do!  So much!  I just can get through the days without the thoughts, guilt, regrets, whatever it may be totally consuming my every thought like it use to.  I can think or talk about Ava and Teagan and smile.  There are times when I break down thinking about or talking about them.  I don't think the pain you experience from losing a child ever goes away.  Ever!  I think that in time you just learn to deal with it and manage that pain and emptiness that you feel.  Its just not natural to bury your child no matter how long they were with you.  Those 2 special little girls taught me so much about life and myself!  I am forever grateful for that and for the time we had with them.  I have so many things in life to be happy, 2 big things being Brooklyn and Brayden!  They are such amazing kids and I love them so much!  Brooklyn has the biggest heart and she loves her sisters so much.  The day I had them Jason took her aside from everyone at the hospital and explained to her what was wrong and that they would not be able to come home with us.  We were really worried about how she would take it or if she would be scared.  We had nothing to worry about because she walked in the room and right to her sisters like she knew exactly what she was doing.  She is so sweet and I know that she will always keep her baby sisters memories alive.  She talks about them so much.  She made some scrapbook pages of them when she spent the day at the hospital with us and them and she has them framed and hanging on her wall.   She is very proud of them :)  She has some diapers and their blood pressure bands the nurses gave her that she keeps safe and takes them out sometimes to show me.  She just amazes me all the time!  Brayden was not quite 3 when they were born but he talks about them too and copies a lot of what Brooklyn says :)  I have always tried very hard this last year to keep their lives as normal as possible.  I couldn't sit around crying all the time for their sake.  However I think its important they see that part and that its not completely hidden from them so of course they have seen me sad but we talk about it.   I would explain to them why but that I was so happy to have them and how much I love them and that my sadness had nothing to do with them, that they are what keeps me going.  Now if I ever get sad about something they just say "Mommy, do you miss Ava and Teagan?"  So sweet my kids are!  I'm sooo lucky to have them! 

Going through the journey we have had with being told about them being conjoined, the pregnancy, birth and the hard times after I have learned many things about myself.  Although I don't feel very strong I am a lot stronger than I would have ever given myself credit for!  I would not have been able to do it without my amazing family and friends though.  I love you all so much!  There were people that I knew would be there that were, people who I thought would be there that really weren't and people that I didn't expect to that were there.  I don't know what we would have done without all the help of Jason's parents.  They helped so much with Brooklyn and Brayden and I'm so very grateful for it.  My family doesn't live close but even being far away I always had their love and support.  Nobody, not our friends, not our family, not even our doctors ever questioned our decision to carry Ava and Teagan as long as we could and give them any chance we could.  They all backed us up and supported us 100%.  Thank you all so much for that!  I have heard of other families of conjoined twins who were told by doctors to terminate their pregnancy and it was never even talked about with our doctors besides our initial visit when they told us it was an option.  She said this is one option, if its not one for you we will never talk about it again and we didn't.  My family was here as soon as they could be when Ava and Teagan were born and I thank them for that.  It meant everything for me to have them here with us.  I really have amazing family and friends!  I love you all! 

There are things I struggle with at times.  We tried to just always make decisions that were best for our daughters.  When I was pregnant one thing we decided on was when they were born we would just spend what time we had with them, not do things that were not going to help them.  We just wanted them to be comfortable and never in pain.  Well the day I delivered my doctor was out of state and they were delivered by 2 doctors from the hospital that I had never met and knew nothing about us.  They decided that I would be put to sleep for the surgery because they were going to make the incision so high on my stomach.  If the girls started struggling to breath and  as long as they were able to put the ventilators in very easily they were going to do that so that I could see them.  They went in very easily and quickly.  In doing that we also had to be the ones on that second day to tell the doctors to take them off of them.  Even knowing it was the right decision it is still a horrible thing to have to do.  They were struggling and the setting were having to be turned up more and more and their heart was failing.  Those 2 hours after they were taken off are 2 precious hours I will never forget.  I will always remember those 2 hours of holding them in my arms.   I believe that I would have never seen them alive had we not went that route.  When we took them off they lived for exactly 2 hours.  My surgery took 2 1/2 hours.  I know I don't know that for sure but I really do believe they would have been gone before I was awake.   I love them so much and just always wanted to do what was right for them.  It was such a hard, emotional journey (and still is at times)  There isn't a guide on what to do when going through this. 

Thank you my sweet Ava and Teagan for teaching me so much about myself, about life and about what is really important and what is not important at all.  Life is soo very precious and fragile.  Remember to always make sure your loved ones know how much they mean to you because life is so unpredictable and way too short.  I know Ava and Teagan would want me to be happy :)  I will miss them always and will keep their memory alive for as long as I live.  They will live on through us for the rest of our days here on earth.  They are important and they are a part of our family!  Love you sweet babies!