Be thankful

Sometimes its hard to see that.  Even going through the most horrible year of my life...by far...I have soo much to be thankful for.  Even though Ava and Teagan aren't here with us I am thankful that I carried them in my belly for 34 weeks.  I'm thankful for every single kick, punch, nudge they ever gave me.  I'm thankful God chose us to be their mommy and daddy.  I'm thankful for every single ultrasound we had that gave me so much time to see them and watch them growing inside me.  For all the pictures and videos of them in there.  I'm thankful for the 2 days they were here with us, for getting to touch them and kiss them, watch them move around and open their eyes to look at us. Im very thankful for the time that I held them in my arms. I'm thankful for every single thing that has to do with them.  That is only the beginning.  Even though they are not here and I miss them everyday and some days I have a hard time seeing or feeling anything good I am so blessed.  I'm thankful for my amazing husband.  For my 2 beautiful, perfect healthy children B and B!  I have an amazing family and group of close friends that I don't know what Id do without that I am so thankful for.  I'm thankful for a roof over our heads, food on our table and clothes on our backs.  I'm really thankful for my health, even though its been a rough year its all things that will heal but I'm alive and breathing and I'm sooo thankful for that!  Just always remember that even in the absolute lowest of times in your life there is ALWAYS something to be thankful for!  

My husband

I love him!  Sooo much!!


I am one lucky girl.

I honestly don't know what I would do with out him.  I know that I am so lucky to have a husband like Jason.  He is sweet, caring, funny, thoughtful, fun... the list goes on :)  He doesn't talk a lot about his own feelings but listens to anything and everything I say.  He always makes sure that I am ok.  He makes sure to always tell me several times a day that he loves and misses me.   He always asks what he can do to make me feel better even though he knows there really isn't anything anyone can do when I am having a bad day.  He is the one person that I know will always be there for me no matter what.  He is here by my side when I'm at my lowest and will be here with me always.  He is one person I know will not get mad at me for the way I feel or act.  He is the one person that knows exactly what I'm going through and would never judge me for it or tell me to do it differently.  He is just always there no matter what.  Many people go through hard time or tragedies and it will tear them down or sometimes tear them completely apart.  For us it hasn't done that at all.  It has brought us so much closer.  I have always loved Jason so much but I love him sooo much more and feel so much closer to him.  He is an amazing father.  B and B are so lucky to have him and Ava and Teagan were so lucky God chose him to be their Daddy.  He has so much love for our sweet babies.  He is so strong for me even when grieving himself for the loss of his daughters.  I thank God every single day for Jason.  I thank him that I have him, that B and B have him and that Ava and Teagan have him.  He loves his children, all 4, so much.

I love you

"No one else will ever know the strength of my love for you.  After all, you are the only ones who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside"

This picture was taken when I was 30 weeks pregnant with Ava and Teagan

A friend (also a mother of conjoined twins) told me this quote and I loved it and wanted to share it :)

To my sweet girls

To my sweet babies Ava and Teagan,Mommy misses you so much every single day.  Lately it has been worse then it has been the last 7 1/2 months.  Every month I think, they should be 4,5,6 months old.  Today I'm sad that you aren't here to dress you up for Halloween.  When I look back at pictures of your sister when she was a baby I think of how you should be doing all the things shes doing in the pictures.  I see pictures of places we have taken your brother and sister and am sad that we never get to take you to those places.  A part of me is missing and will always be missing.  A part of me feels so empty without you.  I love you both soo very much.  I think about you constantly and will never ever forget you or the two precious days we had with you here.  Thanking you for blessing our lives.  You have touched and changed us forever and you have touched people that love you and people that don't even know us.  I love you precious girls.  Always and forever.


Love your Mommy




Ive been missing Ava and Teagan so much lately and just so sad.  It is hard for others to understand and I'm glad they don't because that means they have been in a similar situation and I don't want anyone to feel that.  I carried my girls knowing that their chances of survival were so slim but I gave them a chance at life.  That for me was the ONLY option.  I went into an operating room and was put to sleep fearing they would be gone before I ever woke up.  I thank God every single day that it didn't happen and that I had time with my girls.  I live with so much guilt for things I know weren't in my control but I cant help it.   I look at their pictures and miss their perfect little faces.  I know I will see them again though.  Obviously dealing with the death of my daughters has been extremely difficult and since then I have had a rough time going through 3 surgeries and the pain, healing and frustrations with all of those.  I feel pretty beat up on the inside and outside!  Right now, as selfish as it may be, all I try to do is make sure my children are taken care of and happy and to just get through the days.  My family and true friends understand that and don't make me feel bad or guilty for that.  They understand where I am at and support me 100% and will be there to help me through it all. They know they don't have to do or say anything but just make sure I know they care and will be here for me through it all.  I love you all and thank you so very much.

Walk to Remember 2011

We attended the annual Walk to Remember last weekend.  October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  While our situation is very uncommon the loss of a baby during pregnancy or after delivery is not.  Its nice to have a day where you can just be with people who have experienced what for me is the worse loss imaginable.  We remember our babies every single day of course but to go to something like this was nice.  We did the 1 mile walk (I did the whole thing on my crutches!) and at the end released balloons in memory of our precious girls.  After we went inside where they read off the names of each baby and give you a rose and a little gifts.  Several people went up and read some very touching poems.  I miss my girls so much every single day.  It has not gotten easier for me but I hope in time it can.  I know the pain will never go away but will become more bearable.

Moments

Its funny how in life something happens and you think "this is the worse day of my life" and really think it couldn't be any worse.  I've done it many times and at the moment really felt like that.  Now I can think back to some of those moments when I felt like that and it was nothing.  Nothing compared to what we have gone through this year.  Now I can without hesitation tell you the worse 3 moments of my life.  They are all equally horrible for different reasons.


*Telling the doctors that we were ready to take our daughters off of the ventilators.  It was a moment I knew was coming from the moment I woke up from my surgery.   It was in the back of my mind every moment I spent with them.  It was something I did not want to do but knew I had to.  I kept putting it off.  The moment we told the doctor we were ready tore me apart.  Its an absolutely horrible thing to have to do.  It still tears me apart today.  I know we did what was right for those sweet babies but it doesn't mean it makes me feel better.  I feel horrible about it.


*Watching our girl take their last breaths was gut wrenching.  I felt like I was going to die with them.  A part of me did die at that moment.  A part of my heart will forever be missing :(  I'm so thankful that those 2 hours were spent right on my chest.  I'm so grateful that in those moments in my arms sweet Teagan opened her eyes and looked right at me.  I love those little girls sooo very much.


*March 24th was the day that we laid them to rest.  Another absolutely horrible moment.  Jason and I spent about a hour with them before their funeral.  It weird, it was sad but peaceful at the same time.  I didn't cry in that hour as much as I had anticipated.  They looked so beautiful in their pretty white dress our wonderful friend Alisha made for them.  They were beautiful and peaceful.  The funeral part was horrible.  I felt like I wasn't even in my body.  Sitting there I felt like they cant be talking about OUR BABIES.  When we went outside to the grave site and it was over I couldn't bring myself to get up and go to their casket to say our last goodbye.  I didn't want it to be over and didn't want to have to walk away.  You just are not suppose to have to plan a funeral for your babies and bury them. 


I can easily say those 3 things are things that still make me feel sick to my stomach when I think about them.  I hate that anyone ever has to go through these things.  Its just so unfair.  What I am grateful for is the 2 days we had with our Angels here in earth!  I thank God every single day for choosing us to be their Mommy and Daddy and for giving us those 2 days with them. 

Beautiful song

This song was on a slideshow I just had made of our girls.  Its playing at the beginning before you start it and I really like it alot.  It is beautiful.  You may need tissues!  I know I did :)