So many thoughts!!

I have so many thoughts in my head this week and don't even know where to start!  I do have more good days than bad days now.  It doesn't mean that I don't miss my girls every day because I do!  So much!  I just can get through the days without the thoughts, guilt, regrets, whatever it may be totally consuming my every thought like it use to.  I can think or talk about Ava and Teagan and smile.  There are times when I break down thinking about or talking about them.  I don't think the pain you experience from losing a child ever goes away.  Ever!  I think that in time you just learn to deal with it and manage that pain and emptiness that you feel.  Its just not natural to bury your child no matter how long they were with you.  Those 2 special little girls taught me so much about life and myself!  I am forever grateful for that and for the time we had with them.  I have so many things in life to be happy, 2 big things being Brooklyn and Brayden!  They are such amazing kids and I love them so much!  Brooklyn has the biggest heart and she loves her sisters so much.  The day I had them Jason took her aside from everyone at the hospital and explained to her what was wrong and that they would not be able to come home with us.  We were really worried about how she would take it or if she would be scared.  We had nothing to worry about because she walked in the room and right to her sisters like she knew exactly what she was doing.  She is so sweet and I know that she will always keep her baby sisters memories alive.  She talks about them so much.  She made some scrapbook pages of them when she spent the day at the hospital with us and them and she has them framed and hanging on her wall.   She is very proud of them :)  She has some diapers and their blood pressure bands the nurses gave her that she keeps safe and takes them out sometimes to show me.  She just amazes me all the time!  Brayden was not quite 3 when they were born but he talks about them too and copies a lot of what Brooklyn says :)  I have always tried very hard this last year to keep their lives as normal as possible.  I couldn't sit around crying all the time for their sake.  However I think its important they see that part and that its not completely hidden from them so of course they have seen me sad but we talk about it.   I would explain to them why but that I was so happy to have them and how much I love them and that my sadness had nothing to do with them, that they are what keeps me going.  Now if I ever get sad about something they just say "Mommy, do you miss Ava and Teagan?"  So sweet my kids are!  I'm sooo lucky to have them! 

Going through the journey we have had with being told about them being conjoined, the pregnancy, birth and the hard times after I have learned many things about myself.  Although I don't feel very strong I am a lot stronger than I would have ever given myself credit for!  I would not have been able to do it without my amazing family and friends though.  I love you all so much!  There were people that I knew would be there that were, people who I thought would be there that really weren't and people that I didn't expect to that were there.  I don't know what we would have done without all the help of Jason's parents.  They helped so much with Brooklyn and Brayden and I'm so very grateful for it.  My family doesn't live close but even being far away I always had their love and support.  Nobody, not our friends, not our family, not even our doctors ever questioned our decision to carry Ava and Teagan as long as we could and give them any chance we could.  They all backed us up and supported us 100%.  Thank you all so much for that!  I have heard of other families of conjoined twins who were told by doctors to terminate their pregnancy and it was never even talked about with our doctors besides our initial visit when they told us it was an option.  She said this is one option, if its not one for you we will never talk about it again and we didn't.  My family was here as soon as they could be when Ava and Teagan were born and I thank them for that.  It meant everything for me to have them here with us.  I really have amazing family and friends!  I love you all! 

There are things I struggle with at times.  We tried to just always make decisions that were best for our daughters.  When I was pregnant one thing we decided on was when they were born we would just spend what time we had with them, not do things that were not going to help them.  We just wanted them to be comfortable and never in pain.  Well the day I delivered my doctor was out of state and they were delivered by 2 doctors from the hospital that I had never met and knew nothing about us.  They decided that I would be put to sleep for the surgery because they were going to make the incision so high on my stomach.  If the girls started struggling to breath and  as long as they were able to put the ventilators in very easily they were going to do that so that I could see them.  They went in very easily and quickly.  In doing that we also had to be the ones on that second day to tell the doctors to take them off of them.  Even knowing it was the right decision it is still a horrible thing to have to do.  They were struggling and the setting were having to be turned up more and more and their heart was failing.  Those 2 hours after they were taken off are 2 precious hours I will never forget.  I will always remember those 2 hours of holding them in my arms.   I believe that I would have never seen them alive had we not went that route.  When we took them off they lived for exactly 2 hours.  My surgery took 2 1/2 hours.  I know I don't know that for sure but I really do believe they would have been gone before I was awake.   I love them so much and just always wanted to do what was right for them.  It was such a hard, emotional journey (and still is at times)  There isn't a guide on what to do when going through this. 

Thank you my sweet Ava and Teagan for teaching me so much about myself, about life and about what is really important and what is not important at all.  Life is soo very precious and fragile.  Remember to always make sure your loved ones know how much they mean to you because life is so unpredictable and way too short.  I know Ava and Teagan would want me to be happy :)  I will miss them always and will keep their memory alive for as long as I live.  They will live on through us for the rest of our days here on earth.  They are important and they are a part of our family!  Love you sweet babies!

Happy 1st Birthday

It is so hard to believe that it has been a year since Ava and Teagan were welcomed into this world.  So much has happened in this past year but that day is still so fresh in my memory.  I like it that way and hope it always feels that way.  1 year ago we were blessed with our 2 little miracles.  Their time here on earth was way too short but I will treasure every moment we had with them for the rest of my life.  They were not here long but they change me forever and touched the hearts of so many others, even people we do not know.  I remember that day so well.  Jason came home from work to watch the kids while I went to my normal weekly appointment to check on the girls.  I was 34 weeks 1 day.  My ultrasound was going just like it normally does.  Measuring everything you can possibly measure and checking all the things you check in an ultrasound.  Every week my cervix was always measured by ultrasound.  This time when she measured it, it was I believe 1.4cm and the week before had been about 2.2.  I could see on the screen a pretty big black spot that was not normally there.  My doctor came in and said that I was dilated (that is what the black spot was) but that you cant tell how many cm from ultrasound.  I was sent to the hospital right from there to be monitored and checked out to see if I was in labor.  We got there around 5, was hooked up and contracting every 5-6 minutes and was dilated 4cm and 100% effaced.  We were staying and having our girls.  At 7:49pm they were born weighing 7lbs 10oz combined and 15 inches long.  Tons of dark hair and darker blue eyes.  One thing that makes me so sad is the fact that I was put to sleep and that me and Jason didn't get to hear their cries.  Its something I so badly wish I could have heard.  I miss their sweet little faces, tiny little hands and feet, soft brown hair, pretty little eyes sooo so much.  I just miss our babies terribly.  I'm so thankful for the time we have and find comforting and knowing that they are waiting for us in heaven and that we will see them again someday.  Here are some pictures from their birthday :)

Balloons and a card from Jason's family and the flowers are from their Daddy :)

Balloons from us.  The ones that have writing on them are all notes to them from our family and friends!  It was so awesome that everyone did that for us :)  I have them all printed out and I am going to make a scrapbook with them.  I had about 40 of them to write!  One balloon popped while I was doing it but thankfully I had only written 3 on it when it popped!

One more picture with all the balloons for their birthday.  The smiley face is from Natalie, Ryan and their girls

This is a gift we received from some of our friends, Nate and Tani, I love it!

This is another beautiful gift we received from Natalie! 

It has been an incredibly hard year and I miss my girls a lot.  I am having more good days than bad days now though.  Time will help with that but I will miss them forever and never be the person I was before them. 


Ava and Teagan,
Happy 1st Birthday my sweet, precious girls.  I miss you and love you more than any words could ever begin to describe.  Not one single day goes by that I don't think about you.  Sometimes the memories I have of you make me cry and sometimes they make me smile.  Every single tear I cried, pain or discomfort I felt, every emotion I had, every sleepless night I had worrying about you was worth it.  With all of that you also gave us so many smiles, you fill our hearts with more love, gave us many memories we will cherish for, you changed us in so many good ways.  Anything we did for you was worth it.  All we wanted was to give you any chance you had and to make sure that your time here you felt loved and were comfortable and never felt any pain.  I love you more than anything and wish that things could have been different but I know that one day we will be together again.  Until then I know you are in the best place you could possibly be waiting for the day we are all together again.  Mommy loves you so much!

Memory boxes

We wanted to do something special to honor Ava and Teagan for their 1st birthday.  I decided at the end of last year that I was going to make memory boxes for the hospital to hand out to other families that go through the loss of a baby.   So from them until now I have been buying things that I need to make it possible and was able to make 16!  I did 2 different things.  The first ones are a largers photo album, blanket, stuffed animal, journal and a pen.  We made 6 of these.

Jason made little tags to attach and this is the one that went on there ones

The other ones are in boxes and each include a blanket, stuffed animal, candle, photo album, journal, pen, tissue and forget me not seeds.

Here are the ones that he made to attach to the top of these boxes.

I delivered some today to one of the hospitals and I will be delivering the others on Thursday.  I hope the families that receive this love them.  I wish that no one ever needed them though!

Its hard to believe that in 2 days Ava and Teagans first birthday will already be here.  I love you so much precious girls and still miss you terribly each and every day.

Our little Valentine's

Visiting Ava and Teagan grave is something we do often.  At least once a week, sometimes more.  Last week I went 3 times.   Each holiday we change out their flowers and decorate it for the holiday.  A few weeks ago we went and changed it for Valentine's Day!

It is one thing that we can do for them on earth (physically) and I hope they are looking down and love it each time we do something different.  :) 

I miss my daughters so much every day.  I know that I will never be the same and that life will never be "normal" again but I am starting (or at least trying really hard) to  learn how to live with the loss of my daughters.  In time it will get easier but it doesn't mean that I wont wake up thinking about them and go to bed thinking about them.  They will always be fresh in my mind every day for the rest of my life.  And that is ok!  When you lose a child, you lose a part of yourself.  Anyone that has lost a child can understand that 100% and for those that have never lost a child, I pray they never ever have to feel that.

March 24th, 2011

I want to keep every detail of Ava and Teagan fresh in my memory forever.  So I feel like writing is the best way to do that.  I will always have something to look back on.  One thing I haven't written in detail about is the day of their funeral.  It was a hard day to get through and a hard day to think about.  I am going to go back before they were buried though.  After we found out about them we talked and decided to preplan whatever part of their funeral that we could.  For several reasons.  One being that funerals are not cheap and by preplanning you can save some money.  Another being that we just did not want to deal with it after they were born and passed away.  Its the last thing we wanted to deal with.  Of course some things we had to do after but most was done before.  We checked out 2 cemeteries and went with the 2nd one that we saw.  It is on a pretty busy intersection so at first I was hesitant about even going there.  Once we pulled in there I loved it!  Its so pretty and surprisingly peaceful in there.  We met with an amazing woman who helped us with everything.  She showed us the "Baby Garden" and we chose to have them buried there.  I remember picking their spot they would be buried and also choosing their casket.  I don't even know how I got through this and cant even remember what else we did that day.  It was such a stupid day.  Back to March 24th.  Well I was in the hospital for 8 days after Ava and Teagan were delivered.  I got sick and had a bowel obstruction so I was stuck there for awhile.  Jason had to finish up everything with their funeral and I felt terrible that he had to do that without me.  Thank God for his amazing Mom and Dad that went with him to do it though.  He made beautiful memorial cards for their funeral.  He did them himself and had them printed at Kinkos.  He is awesome!  I love my husband so much! 

The day that I was released from the hospital (March 22nd) me, Jason, my dad and the kids went to pick out flowers for their funeral.  We chose a pink and white casket spray and my dad got a matching flower arrangement that stood up.  March 24th was the day that we laid our babies to rest.  We woke up that morning and all 4 of us got ready.  Jason and I dropped the kids off with Jasons parents so that we could go to the funeral home early.  When we got there Jason went back to see Ava and Teagan first to make sure I would be ok seeing them.  Now thinking back its kind of silly, why wouldn't I be ok!  Of course I would be.  Anyway he came back and got me and we went and spent about a hour with them.  We didn't have an open casket and that day we were the only ones that saw them.  Now I wish I would have had our family, especially mine in there with me since they never got to meet Ava and Teagan.  At the time though I just thought that's not the way I wanted them to see and remember them.  I wanted them to remember the way they saw them alive and for my family who never got to see them in person to remember them the way they were in all their pictures.  It was actually much more peaceful than I had anticipated.  Sitting in there with them I was ok.  I cried but I was ok.  What was hard was walking out of there and them telling us that they would close the casket and that it cant be opened again.  We said out final goodbyes and walked over to the chapel.  Its such a strange feeling.  I have been to many funerals of loved ones but this one was just not the same.  I felt like I was in a daze or like I wasn't even there.  I just went through the motions and did what I was suppose to.  We had many friends, new and old, our families, a few of my doctors and one of the nurses from on of the offices and even a sweet lady that I don't even know who came with a friend of mine.  I sat through it and really couldn't tell you what was said.  That makes me sad.  I remember thinking that was perfect after though.  We then had a graveside service.  Jason and I got up first and he carried their casket out to the hearse that drove it to where they were being buried.  Sitting there was the hardest part for me.  Seeing their casket sitting there waiting to be lowered was so hard for me.  I just sat there and cried and cried through it.  Once he was done I just sat there with my head down crying for I don't know how long.  I couldn't get myself to get up.  I didn't want it to be over.  I finally got up and walked up to say goodbye once again.   Jason and I kneeled there for awhile next to their casket and finally I was able to get up.  This was one of the hardest and saddest days of my entire life.  I'm so thankful for all the wonderful people that were there with us that day.  It meant so much to us.  I know that this day was not us saying goodbye forever to our babies because we will be with them again someday, eternally. 

Brooklyn and Brayden laid these flowers on the casket for their baby sisters

The 2 flower arrangements in front of from us and one from my dad and the flowers in the back Jasons Aunt and Uncle had sent to the cemetery for us a few days after their funeral. 

I wish I had taken pictures of all the flowers inside the chapel but I didnt.  Those first 2 pictures our friend Alisha had taken.  She took a bunch for me that day.  Thanks Alisha :)

In loving memory of Ava and Teagan...

In less than 3 months (on March 15th) it will be 1 year since Ava and Teagan entered this world.  We wish that we would be planning and celebrating a big 1st birthday for them.  Unfortunately that is not the case.  We want to do something to remember them on this day so we have decided we will put together some memory boxes to donate to local hospitals to give to families that go through a loss.  I personally never got one when our girls were born but know many people that have.  We wanted to allow our family and friends to be part of this if they wanted to.  Of course we dont expect it but wanted to include those that love our girls.  Obviously I have never done this so Im not really sure what Im doing but will do the best we can.  Here are the things that we are going to include in these boxes if anyone wants to help out with them.


Small stuffed animals
Journals
Pens
Small candles
Kleenex (the small individual wrapped ones)
Small picture frames or albums
Small blankets (receiving size)
Disposable Cameras


We have someone that is going to make little hats to put in them and any extras she makes we will donate to the NICU.  Im going to print poems that I found comforting and also include those in the boxes.


I have started to buy the memory boxes.  If anyone ever sees cute ones on sale somewhere please let me know! 


I just wanted to share this with everyone :)  Im going to start buying the stuff and putting them together after Christms and we are going to take them to the hospital or hospitals depending on how many we make on their 1st birthday. If anyone has any suggestions on other things we could include in them please let me know!  I hope I can do a good job on these for other families that have to go through the terrible loss of a baby :(

Christmas

I had been thinking about the upcoming Holidays for awhile and how everyone says that they will be really hard.  I really thought it would be ok.  I do have 2 beautiful children to keep my spirits up but whoa was I wrong!  A few weeks ago we were going to do family pictures for Christmas cards and when it came down to it I just couldn't do it.  It really made me sad to do them and think that Ava and Teagan should be here with us in them.  So no Christmas cards this year and that is ok.  I think that's when I kind of realized maybe it wouldn't be so easy.  This past Sunday we went to the cemetery where they are buried for a Holiday Remembrance Service that they do and it was so nice but I think that's when it really hit me that it wont be easy.  Its hard knowing we should be a family of 6 here celebrating Christmas.  I have to get through it for B and B but it is hard for me.  Those 2 deserve a wonderful Christmas though.  They are great kids that have also been through a lot this year with us losing Ava and Teagan and also all the times Ive spent in the hospital this year was not easy on them.  Brooklyn especially worried about me each time I had to go in for surgery.  So for them I will put on a brave face and get through it.

We are making sure that we remember and include Ava and Teagan anyway that we can!  The first thing we did was make sure to get them little stockings to hang with ours.  They are just little ones with their initials to hang with ours to acknowledge that they are part of our family and they always will be.  They are real, they were here, they are our babies and will always be a part of our family regardless of where they are.

We also went to the mall and chose 2 names off of the Angel Tree.  We picked 2 girls that are 1 year old.  We were trying to find 2 little girls that were about 9 months old.  Ava and Teagan would have been 9 months old on the 15th of this month.  So we chose the 2 babies and bought them toys, clothes and pajamas.  We hope that we can help them have a wonderful Christmas this year.  Although gifts aren't what Christmas is about or what will make it a great day it sure can help brighten a kids day.  We hope that they love their gifts!  It felt good to do something for others and to do it in memory of Ava and Teagan.

Yesterday we went to the cemetery and put a little Christmas tree there for the girls.  We hope they love it!  :)

Our last thing to do for them is to get their ornament which we will probably go do this weekend.  Even though my precious girls aren't here with us I will ALWAYS make sure they are remembered no matter what!