March 24th, 2011

I want to keep every detail of Ava and Teagan fresh in my memory forever.  So I feel like writing is the best way to do that.  I will always have something to look back on.  One thing I haven't written in detail about is the day of their funeral.  It was a hard day to get through and a hard day to think about.  I am going to go back before they were buried though.  After we found out about them we talked and decided to preplan whatever part of their funeral that we could.  For several reasons.  One being that funerals are not cheap and by preplanning you can save some money.  Another being that we just did not want to deal with it after they were born and passed away.  Its the last thing we wanted to deal with.  Of course some things we had to do after but most was done before.  We checked out 2 cemeteries and went with the 2nd one that we saw.  It is on a pretty busy intersection so at first I was hesitant about even going there.  Once we pulled in there I loved it!  Its so pretty and surprisingly peaceful in there.  We met with an amazing woman who helped us with everything.  She showed us the "Baby Garden" and we chose to have them buried there.  I remember picking their spot they would be buried and also choosing their casket.  I don't even know how I got through this and cant even remember what else we did that day.  It was such a stupid day.  Back to March 24th.  Well I was in the hospital for 8 days after Ava and Teagan were delivered.  I got sick and had a bowel obstruction so I was stuck there for awhile.  Jason had to finish up everything with their funeral and I felt terrible that he had to do that without me.  Thank God for his amazing Mom and Dad that went with him to do it though.  He made beautiful memorial cards for their funeral.  He did them himself and had them printed at Kinkos.  He is awesome!  I love my husband so much! 

The day that I was released from the hospital (March 22nd) me, Jason, my dad and the kids went to pick out flowers for their funeral.  We chose a pink and white casket spray and my dad got a matching flower arrangement that stood up.  March 24th was the day that we laid our babies to rest.  We woke up that morning and all 4 of us got ready.  Jason and I dropped the kids off with Jasons parents so that we could go to the funeral home early.  When we got there Jason went back to see Ava and Teagan first to make sure I would be ok seeing them.  Now thinking back its kind of silly, why wouldn't I be ok!  Of course I would be.  Anyway he came back and got me and we went and spent about a hour with them.  We didn't have an open casket and that day we were the only ones that saw them.  Now I wish I would have had our family, especially mine in there with me since they never got to meet Ava and Teagan.  At the time though I just thought that's not the way I wanted them to see and remember them.  I wanted them to remember the way they saw them alive and for my family who never got to see them in person to remember them the way they were in all their pictures.  It was actually much more peaceful than I had anticipated.  Sitting in there with them I was ok.  I cried but I was ok.  What was hard was walking out of there and them telling us that they would close the casket and that it cant be opened again.  We said out final goodbyes and walked over to the chapel.  Its such a strange feeling.  I have been to many funerals of loved ones but this one was just not the same.  I felt like I was in a daze or like I wasn't even there.  I just went through the motions and did what I was suppose to.  We had many friends, new and old, our families, a few of my doctors and one of the nurses from on of the offices and even a sweet lady that I don't even know who came with a friend of mine.  I sat through it and really couldn't tell you what was said.  That makes me sad.  I remember thinking that was perfect after though.  We then had a graveside service.  Jason and I got up first and he carried their casket out to the hearse that drove it to where they were being buried.  Sitting there was the hardest part for me.  Seeing their casket sitting there waiting to be lowered was so hard for me.  I just sat there and cried and cried through it.  Once he was done I just sat there with my head down crying for I don't know how long.  I couldn't get myself to get up.  I didn't want it to be over.  I finally got up and walked up to say goodbye once again.   Jason and I kneeled there for awhile next to their casket and finally I was able to get up.  This was one of the hardest and saddest days of my entire life.  I'm so thankful for all the wonderful people that were there with us that day.  It meant so much to us.  I know that this day was not us saying goodbye forever to our babies because we will be with them again someday, eternally. 

Brooklyn and Brayden laid these flowers on the casket for their baby sisters

The 2 flower arrangements in front of from us and one from my dad and the flowers in the back Jasons Aunt and Uncle had sent to the cemetery for us a few days after their funeral. 

I wish I had taken pictures of all the flowers inside the chapel but I didnt.  Those first 2 pictures our friend Alisha had taken.  She took a bunch for me that day.  Thanks Alisha :)

In loving memory of Ava and Teagan...

In less than 3 months (on March 15th) it will be 1 year since Ava and Teagan entered this world.  We wish that we would be planning and celebrating a big 1st birthday for them.  Unfortunately that is not the case.  We want to do something to remember them on this day so we have decided we will put together some memory boxes to donate to local hospitals to give to families that go through a loss.  I personally never got one when our girls were born but know many people that have.  We wanted to allow our family and friends to be part of this if they wanted to.  Of course we dont expect it but wanted to include those that love our girls.  Obviously I have never done this so Im not really sure what Im doing but will do the best we can.  Here are the things that we are going to include in these boxes if anyone wants to help out with them.


Small stuffed animals
Journals
Pens
Small candles
Kleenex (the small individual wrapped ones)
Small picture frames or albums
Small blankets (receiving size)
Disposable Cameras


We have someone that is going to make little hats to put in them and any extras she makes we will donate to the NICU.  Im going to print poems that I found comforting and also include those in the boxes.


I have started to buy the memory boxes.  If anyone ever sees cute ones on sale somewhere please let me know! 


I just wanted to share this with everyone :)  Im going to start buying the stuff and putting them together after Christms and we are going to take them to the hospital or hospitals depending on how many we make on their 1st birthday. If anyone has any suggestions on other things we could include in them please let me know!  I hope I can do a good job on these for other families that have to go through the terrible loss of a baby :(

Christmas

I had been thinking about the upcoming Holidays for awhile and how everyone says that they will be really hard.  I really thought it would be ok.  I do have 2 beautiful children to keep my spirits up but whoa was I wrong!  A few weeks ago we were going to do family pictures for Christmas cards and when it came down to it I just couldn't do it.  It really made me sad to do them and think that Ava and Teagan should be here with us in them.  So no Christmas cards this year and that is ok.  I think that's when I kind of realized maybe it wouldn't be so easy.  This past Sunday we went to the cemetery where they are buried for a Holiday Remembrance Service that they do and it was so nice but I think that's when it really hit me that it wont be easy.  Its hard knowing we should be a family of 6 here celebrating Christmas.  I have to get through it for B and B but it is hard for me.  Those 2 deserve a wonderful Christmas though.  They are great kids that have also been through a lot this year with us losing Ava and Teagan and also all the times Ive spent in the hospital this year was not easy on them.  Brooklyn especially worried about me each time I had to go in for surgery.  So for them I will put on a brave face and get through it.

We are making sure that we remember and include Ava and Teagan anyway that we can!  The first thing we did was make sure to get them little stockings to hang with ours.  They are just little ones with their initials to hang with ours to acknowledge that they are part of our family and they always will be.  They are real, they were here, they are our babies and will always be a part of our family regardless of where they are.

We also went to the mall and chose 2 names off of the Angel Tree.  We picked 2 girls that are 1 year old.  We were trying to find 2 little girls that were about 9 months old.  Ava and Teagan would have been 9 months old on the 15th of this month.  So we chose the 2 babies and bought them toys, clothes and pajamas.  We hope that we can help them have a wonderful Christmas this year.  Although gifts aren't what Christmas is about or what will make it a great day it sure can help brighten a kids day.  We hope that they love their gifts!  It felt good to do something for others and to do it in memory of Ava and Teagan.

Yesterday we went to the cemetery and put a little Christmas tree there for the girls.  We hope they love it!  :)

Our last thing to do for them is to get their ornament which we will probably go do this weekend.  Even though my precious girls aren't here with us I will ALWAYS make sure they are remembered no matter what!

Be thankful

Sometimes its hard to see that.  Even going through the most horrible year of my life...by far...I have soo much to be thankful for.  Even though Ava and Teagan aren't here with us I am thankful that I carried them in my belly for 34 weeks.  I'm thankful for every single kick, punch, nudge they ever gave me.  I'm thankful God chose us to be their mommy and daddy.  I'm thankful for every single ultrasound we had that gave me so much time to see them and watch them growing inside me.  For all the pictures and videos of them in there.  I'm thankful for the 2 days they were here with us, for getting to touch them and kiss them, watch them move around and open their eyes to look at us. Im very thankful for the time that I held them in my arms. I'm thankful for every single thing that has to do with them.  That is only the beginning.  Even though they are not here and I miss them everyday and some days I have a hard time seeing or feeling anything good I am so blessed.  I'm thankful for my amazing husband.  For my 2 beautiful, perfect healthy children B and B!  I have an amazing family and group of close friends that I don't know what Id do without that I am so thankful for.  I'm thankful for a roof over our heads, food on our table and clothes on our backs.  I'm really thankful for my health, even though its been a rough year its all things that will heal but I'm alive and breathing and I'm sooo thankful for that!  Just always remember that even in the absolute lowest of times in your life there is ALWAYS something to be thankful for!  

My husband

I love him!  Sooo much!!


I am one lucky girl.

I honestly don't know what I would do with out him.  I know that I am so lucky to have a husband like Jason.  He is sweet, caring, funny, thoughtful, fun... the list goes on :)  He doesn't talk a lot about his own feelings but listens to anything and everything I say.  He always makes sure that I am ok.  He makes sure to always tell me several times a day that he loves and misses me.   He always asks what he can do to make me feel better even though he knows there really isn't anything anyone can do when I am having a bad day.  He is the one person that I know will always be there for me no matter what.  He is here by my side when I'm at my lowest and will be here with me always.  He is one person I know will not get mad at me for the way I feel or act.  He is the one person that knows exactly what I'm going through and would never judge me for it or tell me to do it differently.  He is just always there no matter what.  Many people go through hard time or tragedies and it will tear them down or sometimes tear them completely apart.  For us it hasn't done that at all.  It has brought us so much closer.  I have always loved Jason so much but I love him sooo much more and feel so much closer to him.  He is an amazing father.  B and B are so lucky to have him and Ava and Teagan were so lucky God chose him to be their Daddy.  He has so much love for our sweet babies.  He is so strong for me even when grieving himself for the loss of his daughters.  I thank God every single day for Jason.  I thank him that I have him, that B and B have him and that Ava and Teagan have him.  He loves his children, all 4, so much.

I love you

"No one else will ever know the strength of my love for you.  After all, you are the only ones who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside"

This picture was taken when I was 30 weeks pregnant with Ava and Teagan

A friend (also a mother of conjoined twins) told me this quote and I loved it and wanted to share it :)

To my sweet girls

To my sweet babies Ava and Teagan,Mommy misses you so much every single day.  Lately it has been worse then it has been the last 7 1/2 months.  Every month I think, they should be 4,5,6 months old.  Today I'm sad that you aren't here to dress you up for Halloween.  When I look back at pictures of your sister when she was a baby I think of how you should be doing all the things shes doing in the pictures.  I see pictures of places we have taken your brother and sister and am sad that we never get to take you to those places.  A part of me is missing and will always be missing.  A part of me feels so empty without you.  I love you both soo very much.  I think about you constantly and will never ever forget you or the two precious days we had with you here.  Thanking you for blessing our lives.  You have touched and changed us forever and you have touched people that love you and people that don't even know us.  I love you precious girls.  Always and forever.


Love your Mommy




Ive been missing Ava and Teagan so much lately and just so sad.  It is hard for others to understand and I'm glad they don't because that means they have been in a similar situation and I don't want anyone to feel that.  I carried my girls knowing that their chances of survival were so slim but I gave them a chance at life.  That for me was the ONLY option.  I went into an operating room and was put to sleep fearing they would be gone before I ever woke up.  I thank God every single day that it didn't happen and that I had time with my girls.  I live with so much guilt for things I know weren't in my control but I cant help it.   I look at their pictures and miss their perfect little faces.  I know I will see them again though.  Obviously dealing with the death of my daughters has been extremely difficult and since then I have had a rough time going through 3 surgeries and the pain, healing and frustrations with all of those.  I feel pretty beat up on the inside and outside!  Right now, as selfish as it may be, all I try to do is make sure my children are taken care of and happy and to just get through the days.  My family and true friends understand that and don't make me feel bad or guilty for that.  They understand where I am at and support me 100% and will be there to help me through it all. They know they don't have to do or say anything but just make sure I know they care and will be here for me through it all.  I love you all and thank you so very much.