When people do good...

You stalk them!  What else would you possibly do?  Well at least that's what I did a few months ago!  Ok I didnt literally stalk him just hunted him down at the hospital.


When I went in the operating room to have Ava and Teagan Jason was not allowed in there because they were putting me to sleep.  I was already obviously a nervous wreck as everything was happening so fast and I wasn't expecting to be giving birth that day.  Well there was a man in there and I had no idea at the time what his job was.  He stood by my head the whole time and just kept talking to me and keeping me calm.  As calm as I could be at least.  I was so glad to have someone like that right there since Jason couldn't be there with me.  Well this man was also in the NICU with the babies once they were born and was still there when I finally was out of recovery and wheeled up on my bed to be with them.  This man insisted to the nurses to give me my babies and let me hold them.  Jason said they seemed very hesitant to do this since the girls were on ventilators, iv's and monitors.  They were fragile.  He just kept telling them to give me my babies.  So they did.  I think he just wanted to make sure I got to hold my babies while they were still here with us. I got to hold my babies right then and it is one memory that is still do fresh in my memory and one I will never forget.  So this probably really doesn't seem like a big deal.  It is!  I was pretty out of it from surgery and seeing my babies the way they were I don't know that I would have thought to insist on holding them.  I think I would have been too scared.  So for him to make sure that I got to hold them meant the world to me.  It was only 1 of 2 times I was able to hold them in my arms. 


This man was on my mind alot after that and I had no idea who he was.  He was so nice and just a warm person who you could tell loved his job and cared about people and what he does.  Well I had no clue what his name was.  I really wanted to tell him thank you.  I had a few pictures of Jason holding the girls and he is in the pictures.  So guess what I did?  I stalked him!  Ok not really.  I took my camera to the hospital and was on a mission to find him.  I get there and go to the desk where you go to get checked in when you are there to have a baby.  Standing there was ok for me.  The girls were trying to help me figure out who he was.  I'm sure they thought I was crazy :)  They looked at the picture and were looking me up on the computer to try to figure it out.  Well I decided it would probably be better to go over to the NICU thinking they would probably know.  So I get over there to the desk....and completely lose it.  It was very hard standing right there where I last saw my babies.  So through my tears...ok my sobbing...I was showing them the picture and explaining to them why I was there.  I delivered my girls at 749pm so I assumed he worked night since he was there then and there at like 2am.  I was thinking they might not know since they were the day shift (These are all assumptions I have no clue when he works lol) Well as I'm showing them the picture the door to the NICU opens and guess who walks out.  THE MAN does!  I looked and saw him and said that's him!   Don't I sound completely crazy!  Well he came over to me and didn't recognize me at first.  I didn't expect him to but as soon as I said he was there when my conjoined twins were delivered he knew exactly who I was.  So we stood there and talked for awhile.  I had a letter for him so I just told him that I felt like people that do good don't get recognized enough.  I feel like if someone isn't happy with something someone does that's when things are said.  I wanted him to know that even though he did something he probably didn't even think was a big deal it was a huge deal to me.  Anyway we talked for awhile, I gave him the letter and we went on our ways.  I really hope that he sat down and read that letter and it made his day.  It felt so good to give it to him and know he knew how much it all meant to me.  By the way this man was a wonderful Neonatal Nurse Practitioner.


So the next time someone does something nice or good, no matter how big or small, make sure to let them know you recognize it :)


I sure do miss my beautiful little Angels.  34 weeks in my belly and 2 days here on earth and they changed me and my life forever.  I learned so much from them.

"We thought of you with love today,
But that is nothing new.
We thought about you yesterday,
And days before that too.

We think of you in silence,
We often speak your name;
All we have now are memories,
And your picture in a frame.

Your memory is our keepsake,
With which we will never part;
God has you in his keep,
We have you in our heart.

It broke our heart to lose you.
But you didn't go alone,
For a part of us went with you...
The day God took you home."


Author Unknown

Carrying conjoined twins

The first 21 weeks of my pregnancy were completely normal.  Besides the fact that I had HORRIBLE morning sickness.  That was just miserable. I didn't have any with B or B so that was new to me.  Everything else was completely normal.  We had an ultrasound at 7 1/2 weeks which showed a baby with a good heartbeat.  We had 3 completely normal appointments with a good heartbeat every time.  I worried like crazy in the beginning (like normal) I had 2 miscarriages between B and B so I worried about that of course.  Everything just felt good and normal.  Then at 20 weeks 5 days we went for our normal ultrasound that we were of course so excited for.  That's when life and my pregnancy changed.  That was when we found out we were carrying conjoined twin girls.  All we were really told is they were conjoined at their chest sharing a heart.  The following week at 21 weeks 1 day is when we found out details of our girls.  We found out that they each had 2 perfect brains, 2 perfect legs, 2 perfect arms, 10 perfect toes, 10 perfect fingers, and each had all the organs they needed.  They shared a liver and a 4 chamber heart.  At first we were told 7 but the next day it was found it was 4.  I was so angry.  I was so sad.  I was absolutely devastated.  If only the egg had just split we would have 2 perfect baby girls in our arms today.  Despite all that our baby girls were absolutely perfect to us.  I'm so grateful that none of our doctors ever tried to pressure us to terminate our pregnancy.  It wasn't an option for us so it would not have mattered if they did because it would not have changed our minds.  Our girls were not and would not suffer so for us personally we would never terminate the pregnancy. I was just glad not to have someone trying to convince us to do that.  We were lucky to never have anyone say rude, hurtful or negative things to us.  I had one person ask me why I would go through it all and not just terminate them.  I explained to her all the reason why I wouldnt terminate. She didn't have much to say after that :) I wanted to allow them every chance I could to live. I loved my baby girls from the moment I knew I was pregnant and that love grows everyday when you are carrying a baby inside of you.  It did not change that day we found out.  If anything it grew 10 times stronger.  If you read statistics they say 40-60% of conjoined twins are stillborn.  I was not going to let a day go by not loving them with everything in me.  I wanted them to feel that.  There are so many more emotions that come along with carrying conjoined twins (or any baby that you know has a very slim chance of survival)  It is not easy at all.  That first week after we found out I didn't hardly sleep at all.  The entire time I was pregnant I constantly worried about them.  If I didn't feel them move I panicked thinking something was wrong.  I love being pregnant and I enjoyed my pregnancy with B and B but I really really tried to embrace every single moment with my girls worrying that I would only know them inside of me.  Of course I had days where I broke down and was just done being pregnant but I snapped out of that real quick.  I loved every single kick, punch, nudge, ache and pain.  Our girls were head down early on and never changed positions.  I went to one appointment and somehow they had managed to change sides!  Basically they rolled over each other.  Baby A was always on my left and baby B on my right.  That day baby B was on my left and baby A was on my right.  We knew this from the ultrasound . It was amazing that they did this!  Well a few days later they were moving like crazy.  My stomach looked crazy!  I just knew those little girls switched back to the other way!  Sure enough at my ultrasound a few days later we saw that they had.  I loved that!  I loved feeling them so full of life inside me!  They were strong and they were alive and I was so grateful for that.  I was lucky enough to carry my girls till 34 weeks.  I had them at 34 weeks 1 day.  That was the day Ava and Teagan were ready to come in to this world!  They may have only been here a few short days but they taught me a lot.  I feel like I learned a lot about myself and life carrying them and them being here with us those 2 days.  I love B and B with everything in me and unconditionally but with Ava and Teagan I felt like I really felt what unconditional love is.  I learned to appreciate each and everything thing no matter how big or small.  I learned that there are so many things in life that you let get to you that really just don't matter.  I learned it really can be worse than it is and to try to remember that everyday.  These are all things that I already knew I just feel like I really feel and know these things now.  I really learned what real true heartbreak feels like.  Losing my babies is hands down the worse feeling and worse loss I have ever felt in my life.  Watching your babies take their last breaths and burying your babies is one of the worse feelings you can possibly imagine.  They may have only been here with us for 2 days but those 2 days are days I will never ever forget.  I hope in those 2 days they felt the tremendous amount of love we had for them.  I will miss my babies every single day.  I will love them every single day. One thing I'm most certain about is that fact that I will be with them again one day forever.  Until then I hope they are looking down on me and are proud that I am their mommy. 

March 15th

Tuesday March 15th was just like any other Tuesday.  I had a doctors appointment that day just like I had every Tuesday for the last 3 months.  It was scheduled for the afternoon so that Jason could come home and watch the kids.  My appointments were just too long to have to take them to.  So he came home and I headed to the doctor.  They always did my ultrasound first.  So the girl does all the normal things that they always do.  Measuring and checking everything on the girls.  They would always check my cervical length by ultrasound every week.  Well when she did it I saw that it was very short and I also saw a black spot that was normally not there.  She finished up and went and got my doctor.  She came in and said that it had shortened a lot, which I knew, and that they could see that I was dilated but they cant tell you how many cm from the ultrasound.  My normal perintologist was gone on vacation so we went in and talked to the doctor that was there while he was gone.  Both my doctors there agreed I need to go to the hospital to be monitored and see where I was at.  First the tried to get me to be air vaced to the hospital.  Umm not happening!  Then they tried to get me to go to the hospital across the street and have them take me by ambulance.  I convinced them I would be fine driving :)  So I met Jason half way between our house and the doctor and we went together to the hospital.  We got there around 5:10pm and were back in a room getting settled in and hooked up about 525pm.  They hooked me up to monitor contractions and I was having them about every 6 minutes.  Then the doctor checked me and I was 4cm dilated and 100% effaced.  Once they had all this info they immediately decided that they would be delivering our babies right away.  I cant even begin to explain the emotions that I had in those moments.  For one everything felt like it was happening so fast so you almost feel like you are in shock.  You know for months that this moment is coming but when its there its not something you are prepared for.   I was so scared.  I was nervous.  I was excited to see their faces.  I was just so many things.  I didn't really have time to process it all.  So many doctors and nurses were coming in to introduce themselves and explain things to me.  Its all kind of a blur.  One of the hardest things for me was the fact that these 2 doctors that I have never seen before were going to be delivering our babies.  They didn't know me or a single thing about me.  I hated it!  They came in and told me that because of how high my incision was going to be (its goes all the way up to about 4 inches above my bellybutton) they would have to put me to sleep for the c section.  I was not happy at all.  I was so scared that I would not be able to see my babies alive.  They also told me that I needed to sign  to either have my tubes tied or a hysterectomy because of the large incision and the fact that I have had 2 other c sections.  I was devastated as this was never talked of with my regular doctor.  Looking back now I wish I would have fought this and asked more questions.  It was all just so crazy at the time that I just trusted in them.  I just pray that they were right but there is nothing I can do now because they did tie my tubes after my babies were delivered.  At 7:49pm our beautiful daughters were born.  I was put to sleep and Jason was not allowed in the delivery room.  We were told that they cried as soon as they were born but then had difficulty breathing.  They then put them on ventilators.  I was out for about 2 1/2 hours.  Jason went right with Ava and Teagan to the NICU.  I remember waking up and the only two things I thought was "Oh my gosh I hurt soooo bad!"  All I remember is crying saying it hurts it hurts it hurts.  The other thing was of course "Are my babies ok"  I could not stop thinking but was too scared to ask the nurse in there with me.  She started talking about them like they were ok.  Jason came in shortly after and started talking about them and I knew that for then they were ok.  He showed me some pictures and told me about them :)  I was so grateful that I was going to be able to hold my babies and see them alive and breathing and moving!  Once I was ok to leave recovery they wheeled me up to the NICU to be with our babies.  Holding them for the first time was one of the best feelings in the world.  I will never ever forget those moments.  I did not want to put them down.  They were beautiful and physically on the outside they were absolutely perfect.  They just had to be conjoined at their chest.  It was hard so hard to look at them and accept the fact that they weren't going to be ok.  I still havent accepted it.  Life is just so unfair at times!  I can honestly say that despite the face that I knew they wouldn't be ok March 15th was one of the best days of my life because that is the day that we got to bring our precious girls into this world and meet them. 

I just wanted to share more details on the day we welcomed Ava and Teagan.  It was an important day for us and with them not being here all I can do is share the memories we do have of them. 

Here are a few pictures from the first time I was able to hold Ava and Teagan

Did you know....

Conjoined twins occur once every 200,000 live births (Ive read different numbers, as high as 400,000, but this seems to the the most used number)

Approximately 40 to 60 percent of conjoined twins arrive stillborn, and about 35 percent survive only one day. The overall survival rate of conjoined twins is somewhere between 5 percent and 25 percent

Conjoined twins are genetically identical, and are, therefore, always the same sex. They develop from the same fertilized egg, and they share the same amniotic cavity and placenta

Are more often female than male, at a ratio of 3:1

 Those are some of the facts about conjoined twins. We were blessed with 2 days with our precious girls. To me, they are not only our little blessings but also our little miracles.

Neckalce

Here are 2 pictures of the necklace I ordered.  The print on the left is Teagan and the print on the right is Ava.  There isnt enough room for all 4 of their feet prints so I just did one of each :)  I love it!  Check out www.myforeverchild.com

Time...

Ive never really paid much attention to dates.  Of course the obvious ones such as major holidays and loved ones birthdays you pay attention.  Now every month when I see the 15th and the 17th its kind of like someone punches me in the stomach.  It just instantly puts me in a really down mood.  This month the 15th was 5 months ago that our girls entered this world.  The 17th had been 5 months since they left.  Every month I think "Today my baby girls should be 2, 3,4 months old and every month on the 17th I think "my baby girls have been gone for 2,3,4 months."  I'm thinking of maybe just pretending that the 15th and the 17th don't exist.  That could work :)  I miss my babies so very much and the pain of their loss gets worse for me with each passing day.  Ive had a lot of other medical things going on since their birth that have made everything feel so much worse.  I keep reminding myself that it HAS to get better.  The physical things will.  I feel like I'm a different person since March 17th, 2011.  In good ways and not so good ways.  For now its not something I'm focused on.  Right now my goal is to just manage to get through each day and to take care of and love my sweet B & B.  They keep me going that's for sure.  I saw a quote the other day and I cant remember exactly what it said.  Something along the lines of when you go through a tragedy like this friends become strangers and strangers become friends.  I find this to be soo very true!  I'm sad for the people that aren't close to me anymore but I'm so very grateful for God bringing certain people into my life through this all.  I have made a very good friend that had lost her twin boys at the same time we lost Ava and Teagan.  I am so very thankful for her!  I have also started talking to a few ladies that have lost conjoined twins or are pregnant with conjoined twins right now.  Its so nice to talk to other people that have been through the same thing.  They can understand all the emotions that come along with carrying these special babies knowing that the chances for them are not good.  They know what it feels like to have to carry them and make decisions that are best for them even though it means you will hurt so badly.  Its just not an easy thing to go through. 


This is one of the first pictures of our girls we shared with everyone.  I think they were so beautiful and in my eyes absolutely perfect!

Little Feet Prints

See those cute tiny little feet prints to the right and down a little bit?  Sunday night I ordered a necklace that is going to have them on it!  It will have Ava's left foot and Teagan's right foot on it.  Its going to have "Too Perfect For Earth" engraved on the back.  I am so excited to get it.  I have a beautiful necklace that my amazing sister in law Crystal got for me that has a picture of the babies on it.  I cherish it soo much!  I will have 2 wonderful necklaces to switch between now!  Check this website out.  It has amazing jewelry on there!  I will be sure to post a picture as soon as I get it in! 
http://www.myforeverchild.com/store/WsDefault.asp?Cat=Handprint-FootprintJewelry&Sub=75&isThumbs=Yes&Thumbs=100

Or on facebook

https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.501691948391.272496.518713391&type=1#!/myforeverchild