Its been awhile

I haven't written on here since our girls passed away and didn't intend to at all.  I decided maybe I should.  I have been missing my girls terrible since March 17th.  Not one single day goes by that I don't think of them.  Really not a single minute.  They are constantly on my mind.  I miss their sweet faces so much.  I know the pain of it all will never completely go away but I hope with time I can learn to deal with it and make it a little more bearable.  For now I just take it each day at a time and try to make it through.  We will never ever forget our sweet babies and I hope nobody else does either.  I want them to always be remembered!

Those are 2 cute little faces that would be pretty hard to forget!  :)

I think about the day they were born, March 15th, all the time.  It was a horrible but joyful day.  Horrible because I knew that meant our time with them was coming to an end and would most likely be short.  Joyful because I finally got to see, touch, hold and just be there next to our babies.  When they were delivered I had to be put to sleep for the c section.  My surgery took over 2 hours.  I remember waking up and all I could think about (besides the horrible pain) was my babies.  I laid there wondering if they were alive and praying so hard they were.  I was so scared that in those 2 1/2 hours or so that they were already gone.  I remember being too scared to ask.  The nurse seemed to be talking like they were ok but I still didn't want to ask.  Finally Jason came in and started talking about them and I knew they were ok for then.  I was sooo grateful for that.  All I wanted was to be able to hold them!   Thanks to an awesome Neonatal Nurse Practitioner I got to do just that later that night despite all the NICU nurses being nervous about it.  I love him and I'm so glad he was there.  So much so that months after their birth I just may have stalked him down at the hospital to give him a letter. I didn't even know his name!  Haha that's a story for another day. 


Mommy misses you sooo much my precious angels.  I love you both soo much and someday I will see you again! 

"Those we love don't go away, they walk beside us every day.
Unseen, unheard, but always near; still loved, still missed and very dear."

R.I.P our sweet angels

"Tiny Angels rest your wings

sit with us for awhile.

How we long to hold your hands,

And see your tender smiles.

Tiny Angels, look at us,

We wamt this image clear....

That we will forget your precious faces

Is our biggest fear.

Tiny Angels can you tell us,

Why you have gone away?

You werent here for very long....

Why is it, you couldnt stay?

Tiny Angels shook thier heads,

These things we do not know...

But we do know that you love us,

And that we love you so."

Forever loved by many

March 15th-March 17, 2011

Maternity Pictures

Here are the rest of the maternity pictures we had done when I was 30 weeks.  I love them so much. 

Ava and Teagan March 15th-March 17th 2011

Tuesday afternoon I headed in to the doctor for my normal weekly appointment.  I was 34 weeks 1 day.  They did my ultrasound and everything looked good and the same with the babies.  They were measuring about 3lbs 10oz and 3lbs 11oz.  The girl measured my cervix and the week before it had been about 2.2cm and it was now about 1.4cm.  The tech went out and got my doctor and she came in and told me that it had shortened a lot and that she could see on the ultrasound that it was beginning to dilate.  My normal doctor that was going to be the one delivering wasn't there, he was on vacation.  So I saw a doctor that I have never seen before.  Her and my other doctor both said I needed to go straight to the hospital to be admitted and monitored to see if I was actually in labor.  So we headed over there and got all checked in and hooked up to monitors.  I was contracting every 6 minutes or so.  The doctor checked me and I was 100% effaced and 4cm dilated.  This was at about 5:30pm.  From there everything went pretty fast.  Everything was set in motion to do the c-section and deliver our babies.  I met the two doctors that would be doing the c-section.  It was a little nerve racking seeing all these different doctors that I didn't know at all.  With the type of c-section they were going to have to do I had to be put to sleep and Jason wasn't allowed into the operating room.  At 7:49pm Ava Laurel and Teagan Marie entered this world.  They were 7lbs 10oz combined and 15 inches long.  The doctors said at first they started to cry but then started having some difficultly breathing so they had to intubate them.  Jason went right with them to the NICU while they finished up my c-section.  My surgery itself took a little over 2 hours.  As soon as I was awake they took me straight to the babies and they let me hold them.  I held them for about 45 minutes and then had to put them back.  Jason was also able to hold them.  I have loved them from the very beginning but my love multiplied way more then anyone can imagine unless you have had a child yourself. 

On Wednesday we spent the day just being by their side and touching them and looking at them as much as we could.  Our close family and closest friends were there and able to meet our angels.  Brooklyn was able to spend several hours with her baby sisters and she sure is a proud sister.  She made feet print and scrapbook pages that she is so proud of.  She was so sweet with them.  Just touching their little hands and feet and giving them many kisses.  We went to bed that night knowing what the next day would bring.  We have both always known that no matter what anyone did there was nothing that was going to change the outcome and that we would not put them through things that would not help.  Meaning that we would not keep them on breathing machines if they were starting to do worse even being on them.  I wish so badly that they had come out and not needed those and did so much better than anyone anticipated.  I wish that we had to make decisions about what next?  What do we do for them so they can survive and be here with us?  Sadly that is not the journey we were able to take.

Thursday morning we woke up and went straight to the babies and spent the morning with them and took many more pictures.  We had a wonderful photographer who took pictures the day before there to take some more of them.  (She also took my maternity pictures)  At noon we decided that it was time to take them off of ventilator. They were starting to depend on the vents (the setting were being increased) more and they were starting to have heart failure. Nobody really knew what was going to happen once they were taken off.  Sadly our girls left this world 2 hours after they were removed.  We spent those two short hours holding and loving our babies making sure they knew and felt that.  Our hearts hurt so badly not having our sweet girls here with us but have to try to find peace knowing that they are ok and in a better place.  We love them so much and are going to miss them terribly.  Two days is not long enough but that is what God gave us and those two days we will cherished forever.  We will never forget Ava and Teagan and will never stop loving or missing them.

Thank you to everyone who has prayed for our girls and our family.  It means so much to us and we appreciate it alot. 

Here are some pictures of the precious angels.

R.I.P our sweet angels Ava and Teagan

Fluid update

We went to the doctor today again to check the fluid in the lungs and around the heart and its looking the same as it was Wednesday.  That's better than more!  I go for my normal appointment on Tuesday so we will see how it looks then.  I had been having tons of braxton hicks and some real contractions mixed in with them too on Wednesday.  Back to back all day long.  I still had them yesterday but not as many but I was really crampy too.  They measured my cervix by ultrasound and it was still ok and the length hadn't really changed. That's all for now.

Cardiologist update

Yesterday I had another appointment with the Cardiologist to check on the babies.  Most things looked about the same as last month.  The pulmonary artery is still a lot smaller, about half the size as the others, and growing a lot slower than the rest.  He found some fluid again in one of lungs and also some around the heart.  I have an appointment tomorrow now with my other doctors to look at it and see if it has increased.  I asked him what causes fluid to build up and he said sometimes it can be an infection in the babies and if its not that then it is their heart starting to not function well.  I will update tomorrow with what we find out!

32 weeks

As far as the babies go everything looks ok with them.  They say they are about 3lbs each but the dr thinks they are probably a little smaller than that.  They didn't look too much at their heart today but I have an appt with the cardiologist tomorrow and he is very detailed so I will see what he has to say tomorrow morning. 


I found out today that I have gestational diabetes.  I have to change my diet.  Basically stay away from carbs and sugars.  I have to check my blood sugar levels right when I wake up and after breakfast, lunch and dinner.  My dr will look over them next week and if they are still high he said it may need to be controlled with meds.  I'm hoping diet will do the trick though. 


Its all getting really hard on me.  I'm having a harder time dealing with it all now.  I don't know how I even get through the day sometimes but I do :)  I have no choice.  Thanks everyone for the continued thoughts and prayers for our girls