Christmas 2012

Last weekend we went to the cemetery and decorated a little tree to put in the girls vase. Here it is! Just need to fix the garland in the middle. Its driving me crazy!

At home we also decorated a little tree for them that we will add an ornament to every year. So far it just has 3. One from last year, one from this year and one from my friend Natalie from last year. I added some little butterflies and hearts to fill it in.

I miss...

Although we only had Ava and Teagan here with us for 2 days there are so many things I miss!  I miss watching my belly grow, feeling the flutters which turned into little movements to hit kicks and even rolling around.  I miss watching my entire stomach move around like crazy and wondering what they were doing in there.  I miss going to all my doctor appointments and getting to hear their heartbeat and watch them moving around on the ultrasound.  I miss seeing every part of them during the ultrasound.  I miss feeling their hiccups they had all the time.  I really enjoyed being pregnant with all my kids but I really really cherished it all this last time.  The 17 weeks of morning sickness was a bit rough but worth it!  I miss sitting next to them in the hospital and just watching them.  I miss holding their little fingers and touching their pretty soft hair.  I really miss holding them in my arms and wish I could hold them again.  I miss watching them sleep.  I miss watching them open their little eyes and look at us or just look around.  I just really really miss them!  I so grateful for all the memories I do have and Im also soo grateful for all the photos we have of them thanks to the wonderful Bridgette!  The pictures she took for us mean the world to me and I hope she knows just how special she is to us for giving us those!  Jason too, he took hundreds of pictures of them which Im so happy to have!  I also miss watching sweet little Brookie with her sisters.  I am so blessed that we were given the 4 beautiful children that we have.  I miss Ava and Teagan and look forward to the day I see them again!   Not anytime soon though :)  I have a lot left to do here!

Missing you

The other night I had another dream about my girls.  Well one of them.  In it they were separated but I only had one of them with me.  Not much to the dream besides that and her just laying there smiling at me with big blue eyes.  It made me sad that I had only had one of them but dreaming about them makes me happy.  It feels so real, like we are really together.  I wish I could dream happy dreams about them every night!


A few weeks ago I had another dream.  Well I don't even know if it was a dream really.  It happened while I was almost asleep.  I saw this area outside that had the greenest grass and the bluest sky I have ever seen.  Right through the middle of the grass was a crystal clear stream that shined so pretty from the sun.  Over the stream was a beautiful brick bridge.  Everything was so perfect and so beautiful.  The best and most beautiful part of it though was Ava and Teagan were running across is holding hands. They looked to be about 3 years old. They were wearing long white summery dresses and they had long dark brown hair that was curly at the ends.  That's all it was but it made me soo happy.  I could not stop thinking about it and them all day!  I wish I knew someone that knew how to draw or paint because I would definitely have that made into art for me!  Anyone know how to or anyone that does by any chance???  :)


I'm going to miss my daughters every single day for the rest of my life but I have been doing a lot better in dealing with it.  While I think of them every day it doesn't consume my every thought.  When I think of them its not always sad now it also brings smiles when I think of the time spent with them.  Not always of course.  I still have days that just get me really really down no matter what.  Or things that trigger sad emotions.  I don't think that ever goes away and I'm ok with that.  Sometimes feeling like that is what makes me feel close to them.   I love them so much!  I'm so blessed that 4 beautiful children even if 2 of them cant be here with us.  Someday we will all be together again.  That I know!

Dreams

Ive had several dreams about the girls and all of them but one gave me peace and made me feel happy.  The one I had last night felt very real so I wanted to share it :)


This morning I woke up feeling so happy!  I had been dreaming about Ava and Teagan and it was a good dream.  A really good dream!  I had them and they were in the hospital and doing really well.  They were breathing on their own and they were growing well.  They were getting older and stronger and knew who we were.  They would open their eyes and look at us when we would talk to them.  In the dream they were the same way they were when they were alive.  Ava would just peek out at us and Teagan would open her eyes really wide and look right at us.  My dream felt so real.  Then one day I was in a different hospital room and in the middle of the night I went to go see them in their room only I could not find it.  I was freaking out because they had been in the same room the whole time and now they were not there.  I finally found them and they were in a room that was made to look like how a room would if they were at home.  I walked over to the crib and it was only Ava in there.  They had been separated and she was doing so good but I started freaking out because Teagan was not there and I thought something had happened to her.  Then I saw someone walking with her but she was ok she just needed to stay in the hospital because they had given her a new heart.  The dream just made me feel like I was really with them.  It did make me a little sad because I wish they were here but at the same time it made me smile because it felt so real and felt like I was with them.  I wish that I could dream about them every single night!  I love when I have a dream about them.  Especially the good ones!


Love and miss you sweet girls!  I will see you again soon in my dreams :)

So many thoughts!!

I have so many thoughts in my head this week and don't even know where to start!  I do have more good days than bad days now.  It doesn't mean that I don't miss my girls every day because I do!  So much!  I just can get through the days without the thoughts, guilt, regrets, whatever it may be totally consuming my every thought like it use to.  I can think or talk about Ava and Teagan and smile.  There are times when I break down thinking about or talking about them.  I don't think the pain you experience from losing a child ever goes away.  Ever!  I think that in time you just learn to deal with it and manage that pain and emptiness that you feel.  Its just not natural to bury your child no matter how long they were with you.  Those 2 special little girls taught me so much about life and myself!  I am forever grateful for that and for the time we had with them.  I have so many things in life to be happy, 2 big things being Brooklyn and Brayden!  They are such amazing kids and I love them so much!  Brooklyn has the biggest heart and she loves her sisters so much.  The day I had them Jason took her aside from everyone at the hospital and explained to her what was wrong and that they would not be able to come home with us.  We were really worried about how she would take it or if she would be scared.  We had nothing to worry about because she walked in the room and right to her sisters like she knew exactly what she was doing.  She is so sweet and I know that she will always keep her baby sisters memories alive.  She talks about them so much.  She made some scrapbook pages of them when she spent the day at the hospital with us and them and she has them framed and hanging on her wall.   She is very proud of them :)  She has some diapers and their blood pressure bands the nurses gave her that she keeps safe and takes them out sometimes to show me.  She just amazes me all the time!  Brayden was not quite 3 when they were born but he talks about them too and copies a lot of what Brooklyn says :)  I have always tried very hard this last year to keep their lives as normal as possible.  I couldn't sit around crying all the time for their sake.  However I think its important they see that part and that its not completely hidden from them so of course they have seen me sad but we talk about it.   I would explain to them why but that I was so happy to have them and how much I love them and that my sadness had nothing to do with them, that they are what keeps me going.  Now if I ever get sad about something they just say "Mommy, do you miss Ava and Teagan?"  So sweet my kids are!  I'm sooo lucky to have them! 

Going through the journey we have had with being told about them being conjoined, the pregnancy, birth and the hard times after I have learned many things about myself.  Although I don't feel very strong I am a lot stronger than I would have ever given myself credit for!  I would not have been able to do it without my amazing family and friends though.  I love you all so much!  There were people that I knew would be there that were, people who I thought would be there that really weren't and people that I didn't expect to that were there.  I don't know what we would have done without all the help of Jason's parents.  They helped so much with Brooklyn and Brayden and I'm so very grateful for it.  My family doesn't live close but even being far away I always had their love and support.  Nobody, not our friends, not our family, not even our doctors ever questioned our decision to carry Ava and Teagan as long as we could and give them any chance we could.  They all backed us up and supported us 100%.  Thank you all so much for that!  I have heard of other families of conjoined twins who were told by doctors to terminate their pregnancy and it was never even talked about with our doctors besides our initial visit when they told us it was an option.  She said this is one option, if its not one for you we will never talk about it again and we didn't.  My family was here as soon as they could be when Ava and Teagan were born and I thank them for that.  It meant everything for me to have them here with us.  I really have amazing family and friends!  I love you all! 

There are things I struggle with at times.  We tried to just always make decisions that were best for our daughters.  When I was pregnant one thing we decided on was when they were born we would just spend what time we had with them, not do things that were not going to help them.  We just wanted them to be comfortable and never in pain.  Well the day I delivered my doctor was out of state and they were delivered by 2 doctors from the hospital that I had never met and knew nothing about us.  They decided that I would be put to sleep for the surgery because they were going to make the incision so high on my stomach.  If the girls started struggling to breath and  as long as they were able to put the ventilators in very easily they were going to do that so that I could see them.  They went in very easily and quickly.  In doing that we also had to be the ones on that second day to tell the doctors to take them off of them.  Even knowing it was the right decision it is still a horrible thing to have to do.  They were struggling and the setting were having to be turned up more and more and their heart was failing.  Those 2 hours after they were taken off are 2 precious hours I will never forget.  I will always remember those 2 hours of holding them in my arms.   I believe that I would have never seen them alive had we not went that route.  When we took them off they lived for exactly 2 hours.  My surgery took 2 1/2 hours.  I know I don't know that for sure but I really do believe they would have been gone before I was awake.   I love them so much and just always wanted to do what was right for them.  It was such a hard, emotional journey (and still is at times)  There isn't a guide on what to do when going through this. 

Thank you my sweet Ava and Teagan for teaching me so much about myself, about life and about what is really important and what is not important at all.  Life is soo very precious and fragile.  Remember to always make sure your loved ones know how much they mean to you because life is so unpredictable and way too short.  I know Ava and Teagan would want me to be happy :)  I will miss them always and will keep their memory alive for as long as I live.  They will live on through us for the rest of our days here on earth.  They are important and they are a part of our family!  Love you sweet babies!

Happy 1st Birthday

It is so hard to believe that it has been a year since Ava and Teagan were welcomed into this world.  So much has happened in this past year but that day is still so fresh in my memory.  I like it that way and hope it always feels that way.  1 year ago we were blessed with our 2 little miracles.  Their time here on earth was way too short but I will treasure every moment we had with them for the rest of my life.  They were not here long but they change me forever and touched the hearts of so many others, even people we do not know.  I remember that day so well.  Jason came home from work to watch the kids while I went to my normal weekly appointment to check on the girls.  I was 34 weeks 1 day.  My ultrasound was going just like it normally does.  Measuring everything you can possibly measure and checking all the things you check in an ultrasound.  Every week my cervix was always measured by ultrasound.  This time when she measured it, it was I believe 1.4cm and the week before had been about 2.2.  I could see on the screen a pretty big black spot that was not normally there.  My doctor came in and said that I was dilated (that is what the black spot was) but that you cant tell how many cm from ultrasound.  I was sent to the hospital right from there to be monitored and checked out to see if I was in labor.  We got there around 5, was hooked up and contracting every 5-6 minutes and was dilated 4cm and 100% effaced.  We were staying and having our girls.  At 7:49pm they were born weighing 7lbs 10oz combined and 15 inches long.  Tons of dark hair and darker blue eyes.  One thing that makes me so sad is the fact that I was put to sleep and that me and Jason didn't get to hear their cries.  Its something I so badly wish I could have heard.  I miss their sweet little faces, tiny little hands and feet, soft brown hair, pretty little eyes sooo so much.  I just miss our babies terribly.  I'm so thankful for the time we have and find comforting and knowing that they are waiting for us in heaven and that we will see them again someday.  Here are some pictures from their birthday :)

Balloons and a card from Jason's family and the flowers are from their Daddy :)

Balloons from us.  The ones that have writing on them are all notes to them from our family and friends!  It was so awesome that everyone did that for us :)  I have them all printed out and I am going to make a scrapbook with them.  I had about 40 of them to write!  One balloon popped while I was doing it but thankfully I had only written 3 on it when it popped!

One more picture with all the balloons for their birthday.  The smiley face is from Natalie, Ryan and their girls

This is a gift we received from some of our friends, Nate and Tani, I love it!

This is another beautiful gift we received from Natalie! 

It has been an incredibly hard year and I miss my girls a lot.  I am having more good days than bad days now though.  Time will help with that but I will miss them forever and never be the person I was before them. 


Ava and Teagan,
Happy 1st Birthday my sweet, precious girls.  I miss you and love you more than any words could ever begin to describe.  Not one single day goes by that I don't think about you.  Sometimes the memories I have of you make me cry and sometimes they make me smile.  Every single tear I cried, pain or discomfort I felt, every emotion I had, every sleepless night I had worrying about you was worth it.  With all of that you also gave us so many smiles, you fill our hearts with more love, gave us many memories we will cherish for, you changed us in so many good ways.  Anything we did for you was worth it.  All we wanted was to give you any chance you had and to make sure that your time here you felt loved and were comfortable and never felt any pain.  I love you more than anything and wish that things could have been different but I know that one day we will be together again.  Until then I know you are in the best place you could possibly be waiting for the day we are all together again.  Mommy loves you so much!

Memory boxes

We wanted to do something special to honor Ava and Teagan for their 1st birthday.  I decided at the end of last year that I was going to make memory boxes for the hospital to hand out to other families that go through the loss of a baby.   So from them until now I have been buying things that I need to make it possible and was able to make 16!  I did 2 different things.  The first ones are a largers photo album, blanket, stuffed animal, journal and a pen.  We made 6 of these.

Jason made little tags to attach and this is the one that went on there ones

The other ones are in boxes and each include a blanket, stuffed animal, candle, photo album, journal, pen, tissue and forget me not seeds.

Here are the ones that he made to attach to the top of these boxes.

I delivered some today to one of the hospitals and I will be delivering the others on Thursday.  I hope the families that receive this love them.  I wish that no one ever needed them though!

Its hard to believe that in 2 days Ava and Teagans first birthday will already be here.  I love you so much precious girls and still miss you terribly each and every day.

Our little Valentine's

Visiting Ava and Teagan grave is something we do often.  At least once a week, sometimes more.  Last week I went 3 times.   Each holiday we change out their flowers and decorate it for the holiday.  A few weeks ago we went and changed it for Valentine's Day!

It is one thing that we can do for them on earth (physically) and I hope they are looking down and love it each time we do something different.  :) 

I miss my daughters so much every day.  I know that I will never be the same and that life will never be "normal" again but I am starting (or at least trying really hard) to  learn how to live with the loss of my daughters.  In time it will get easier but it doesn't mean that I wont wake up thinking about them and go to bed thinking about them.  They will always be fresh in my mind every day for the rest of my life.  And that is ok!  When you lose a child, you lose a part of yourself.  Anyone that has lost a child can understand that 100% and for those that have never lost a child, I pray they never ever have to feel that.

March 24th, 2011

I want to keep every detail of Ava and Teagan fresh in my memory forever.  So I feel like writing is the best way to do that.  I will always have something to look back on.  One thing I haven't written in detail about is the day of their funeral.  It was a hard day to get through and a hard day to think about.  I am going to go back before they were buried though.  After we found out about them we talked and decided to preplan whatever part of their funeral that we could.  For several reasons.  One being that funerals are not cheap and by preplanning you can save some money.  Another being that we just did not want to deal with it after they were born and passed away.  Its the last thing we wanted to deal with.  Of course some things we had to do after but most was done before.  We checked out 2 cemeteries and went with the 2nd one that we saw.  It is on a pretty busy intersection so at first I was hesitant about even going there.  Once we pulled in there I loved it!  Its so pretty and surprisingly peaceful in there.  We met with an amazing woman who helped us with everything.  She showed us the "Baby Garden" and we chose to have them buried there.  I remember picking their spot they would be buried and also choosing their casket.  I don't even know how I got through this and cant even remember what else we did that day.  It was such a stupid day.  Back to March 24th.  Well I was in the hospital for 8 days after Ava and Teagan were delivered.  I got sick and had a bowel obstruction so I was stuck there for awhile.  Jason had to finish up everything with their funeral and I felt terrible that he had to do that without me.  Thank God for his amazing Mom and Dad that went with him to do it though.  He made beautiful memorial cards for their funeral.  He did them himself and had them printed at Kinkos.  He is awesome!  I love my husband so much! 

The day that I was released from the hospital (March 22nd) me, Jason, my dad and the kids went to pick out flowers for their funeral.  We chose a pink and white casket spray and my dad got a matching flower arrangement that stood up.  March 24th was the day that we laid our babies to rest.  We woke up that morning and all 4 of us got ready.  Jason and I dropped the kids off with Jasons parents so that we could go to the funeral home early.  When we got there Jason went back to see Ava and Teagan first to make sure I would be ok seeing them.  Now thinking back its kind of silly, why wouldn't I be ok!  Of course I would be.  Anyway he came back and got me and we went and spent about a hour with them.  We didn't have an open casket and that day we were the only ones that saw them.  Now I wish I would have had our family, especially mine in there with me since they never got to meet Ava and Teagan.  At the time though I just thought that's not the way I wanted them to see and remember them.  I wanted them to remember the way they saw them alive and for my family who never got to see them in person to remember them the way they were in all their pictures.  It was actually much more peaceful than I had anticipated.  Sitting in there with them I was ok.  I cried but I was ok.  What was hard was walking out of there and them telling us that they would close the casket and that it cant be opened again.  We said out final goodbyes and walked over to the chapel.  Its such a strange feeling.  I have been to many funerals of loved ones but this one was just not the same.  I felt like I was in a daze or like I wasn't even there.  I just went through the motions and did what I was suppose to.  We had many friends, new and old, our families, a few of my doctors and one of the nurses from on of the offices and even a sweet lady that I don't even know who came with a friend of mine.  I sat through it and really couldn't tell you what was said.  That makes me sad.  I remember thinking that was perfect after though.  We then had a graveside service.  Jason and I got up first and he carried their casket out to the hearse that drove it to where they were being buried.  Sitting there was the hardest part for me.  Seeing their casket sitting there waiting to be lowered was so hard for me.  I just sat there and cried and cried through it.  Once he was done I just sat there with my head down crying for I don't know how long.  I couldn't get myself to get up.  I didn't want it to be over.  I finally got up and walked up to say goodbye once again.   Jason and I kneeled there for awhile next to their casket and finally I was able to get up.  This was one of the hardest and saddest days of my entire life.  I'm so thankful for all the wonderful people that were there with us that day.  It meant so much to us.  I know that this day was not us saying goodbye forever to our babies because we will be with them again someday, eternally. 

Brooklyn and Brayden laid these flowers on the casket for their baby sisters

The 2 flower arrangements in front of from us and one from my dad and the flowers in the back Jasons Aunt and Uncle had sent to the cemetery for us a few days after their funeral. 

I wish I had taken pictures of all the flowers inside the chapel but I didnt.  Those first 2 pictures our friend Alisha had taken.  She took a bunch for me that day.  Thanks Alisha :)

In loving memory of Ava and Teagan...

In less than 3 months (on March 15th) it will be 1 year since Ava and Teagan entered this world.  We wish that we would be planning and celebrating a big 1st birthday for them.  Unfortunately that is not the case.  We want to do something to remember them on this day so we have decided we will put together some memory boxes to donate to local hospitals to give to families that go through a loss.  I personally never got one when our girls were born but know many people that have.  We wanted to allow our family and friends to be part of this if they wanted to.  Of course we dont expect it but wanted to include those that love our girls.  Obviously I have never done this so Im not really sure what Im doing but will do the best we can.  Here are the things that we are going to include in these boxes if anyone wants to help out with them.


Small stuffed animals
Journals
Pens
Small candles
Kleenex (the small individual wrapped ones)
Small picture frames or albums
Small blankets (receiving size)
Disposable Cameras


We have someone that is going to make little hats to put in them and any extras she makes we will donate to the NICU.  Im going to print poems that I found comforting and also include those in the boxes.


I have started to buy the memory boxes.  If anyone ever sees cute ones on sale somewhere please let me know! 


I just wanted to share this with everyone :)  Im going to start buying the stuff and putting them together after Christms and we are going to take them to the hospital or hospitals depending on how many we make on their 1st birthday. If anyone has any suggestions on other things we could include in them please let me know!  I hope I can do a good job on these for other families that have to go through the terrible loss of a baby :(

Christmas

I had been thinking about the upcoming Holidays for awhile and how everyone says that they will be really hard.  I really thought it would be ok.  I do have 2 beautiful children to keep my spirits up but whoa was I wrong!  A few weeks ago we were going to do family pictures for Christmas cards and when it came down to it I just couldn't do it.  It really made me sad to do them and think that Ava and Teagan should be here with us in them.  So no Christmas cards this year and that is ok.  I think that's when I kind of realized maybe it wouldn't be so easy.  This past Sunday we went to the cemetery where they are buried for a Holiday Remembrance Service that they do and it was so nice but I think that's when it really hit me that it wont be easy.  Its hard knowing we should be a family of 6 here celebrating Christmas.  I have to get through it for B and B but it is hard for me.  Those 2 deserve a wonderful Christmas though.  They are great kids that have also been through a lot this year with us losing Ava and Teagan and also all the times Ive spent in the hospital this year was not easy on them.  Brooklyn especially worried about me each time I had to go in for surgery.  So for them I will put on a brave face and get through it.

We are making sure that we remember and include Ava and Teagan anyway that we can!  The first thing we did was make sure to get them little stockings to hang with ours.  They are just little ones with their initials to hang with ours to acknowledge that they are part of our family and they always will be.  They are real, they were here, they are our babies and will always be a part of our family regardless of where they are.

We also went to the mall and chose 2 names off of the Angel Tree.  We picked 2 girls that are 1 year old.  We were trying to find 2 little girls that were about 9 months old.  Ava and Teagan would have been 9 months old on the 15th of this month.  So we chose the 2 babies and bought them toys, clothes and pajamas.  We hope that we can help them have a wonderful Christmas this year.  Although gifts aren't what Christmas is about or what will make it a great day it sure can help brighten a kids day.  We hope that they love their gifts!  It felt good to do something for others and to do it in memory of Ava and Teagan.

Yesterday we went to the cemetery and put a little Christmas tree there for the girls.  We hope they love it!  :)

Our last thing to do for them is to get their ornament which we will probably go do this weekend.  Even though my precious girls aren't here with us I will ALWAYS make sure they are remembered no matter what!

Be thankful

Sometimes its hard to see that.  Even going through the most horrible year of my life...by far...I have soo much to be thankful for.  Even though Ava and Teagan aren't here with us I am thankful that I carried them in my belly for 34 weeks.  I'm thankful for every single kick, punch, nudge they ever gave me.  I'm thankful God chose us to be their mommy and daddy.  I'm thankful for every single ultrasound we had that gave me so much time to see them and watch them growing inside me.  For all the pictures and videos of them in there.  I'm thankful for the 2 days they were here with us, for getting to touch them and kiss them, watch them move around and open their eyes to look at us. Im very thankful for the time that I held them in my arms. I'm thankful for every single thing that has to do with them.  That is only the beginning.  Even though they are not here and I miss them everyday and some days I have a hard time seeing or feeling anything good I am so blessed.  I'm thankful for my amazing husband.  For my 2 beautiful, perfect healthy children B and B!  I have an amazing family and group of close friends that I don't know what Id do without that I am so thankful for.  I'm thankful for a roof over our heads, food on our table and clothes on our backs.  I'm really thankful for my health, even though its been a rough year its all things that will heal but I'm alive and breathing and I'm sooo thankful for that!  Just always remember that even in the absolute lowest of times in your life there is ALWAYS something to be thankful for!  

My husband

I love him!  Sooo much!!


I am one lucky girl.

I honestly don't know what I would do with out him.  I know that I am so lucky to have a husband like Jason.  He is sweet, caring, funny, thoughtful, fun... the list goes on :)  He doesn't talk a lot about his own feelings but listens to anything and everything I say.  He always makes sure that I am ok.  He makes sure to always tell me several times a day that he loves and misses me.   He always asks what he can do to make me feel better even though he knows there really isn't anything anyone can do when I am having a bad day.  He is the one person that I know will always be there for me no matter what.  He is here by my side when I'm at my lowest and will be here with me always.  He is one person I know will not get mad at me for the way I feel or act.  He is the one person that knows exactly what I'm going through and would never judge me for it or tell me to do it differently.  He is just always there no matter what.  Many people go through hard time or tragedies and it will tear them down or sometimes tear them completely apart.  For us it hasn't done that at all.  It has brought us so much closer.  I have always loved Jason so much but I love him sooo much more and feel so much closer to him.  He is an amazing father.  B and B are so lucky to have him and Ava and Teagan were so lucky God chose him to be their Daddy.  He has so much love for our sweet babies.  He is so strong for me even when grieving himself for the loss of his daughters.  I thank God every single day for Jason.  I thank him that I have him, that B and B have him and that Ava and Teagan have him.  He loves his children, all 4, so much.

I love you

"No one else will ever know the strength of my love for you.  After all, you are the only ones who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside"

This picture was taken when I was 30 weeks pregnant with Ava and Teagan

A friend (also a mother of conjoined twins) told me this quote and I loved it and wanted to share it :)

To my sweet girls

To my sweet babies Ava and Teagan,Mommy misses you so much every single day.  Lately it has been worse then it has been the last 7 1/2 months.  Every month I think, they should be 4,5,6 months old.  Today I'm sad that you aren't here to dress you up for Halloween.  When I look back at pictures of your sister when she was a baby I think of how you should be doing all the things shes doing in the pictures.  I see pictures of places we have taken your brother and sister and am sad that we never get to take you to those places.  A part of me is missing and will always be missing.  A part of me feels so empty without you.  I love you both soo very much.  I think about you constantly and will never ever forget you or the two precious days we had with you here.  Thanking you for blessing our lives.  You have touched and changed us forever and you have touched people that love you and people that don't even know us.  I love you precious girls.  Always and forever.


Love your Mommy




Ive been missing Ava and Teagan so much lately and just so sad.  It is hard for others to understand and I'm glad they don't because that means they have been in a similar situation and I don't want anyone to feel that.  I carried my girls knowing that their chances of survival were so slim but I gave them a chance at life.  That for me was the ONLY option.  I went into an operating room and was put to sleep fearing they would be gone before I ever woke up.  I thank God every single day that it didn't happen and that I had time with my girls.  I live with so much guilt for things I know weren't in my control but I cant help it.   I look at their pictures and miss their perfect little faces.  I know I will see them again though.  Obviously dealing with the death of my daughters has been extremely difficult and since then I have had a rough time going through 3 surgeries and the pain, healing and frustrations with all of those.  I feel pretty beat up on the inside and outside!  Right now, as selfish as it may be, all I try to do is make sure my children are taken care of and happy and to just get through the days.  My family and true friends understand that and don't make me feel bad or guilty for that.  They understand where I am at and support me 100% and will be there to help me through it all. They know they don't have to do or say anything but just make sure I know they care and will be here for me through it all.  I love you all and thank you so very much.

Walk to Remember 2011

We attended the annual Walk to Remember last weekend.  October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  While our situation is very uncommon the loss of a baby during pregnancy or after delivery is not.  Its nice to have a day where you can just be with people who have experienced what for me is the worse loss imaginable.  We remember our babies every single day of course but to go to something like this was nice.  We did the 1 mile walk (I did the whole thing on my crutches!) and at the end released balloons in memory of our precious girls.  After we went inside where they read off the names of each baby and give you a rose and a little gifts.  Several people went up and read some very touching poems.  I miss my girls so much every single day.  It has not gotten easier for me but I hope in time it can.  I know the pain will never go away but will become more bearable.

Moments

Its funny how in life something happens and you think "this is the worse day of my life" and really think it couldn't be any worse.  I've done it many times and at the moment really felt like that.  Now I can think back to some of those moments when I felt like that and it was nothing.  Nothing compared to what we have gone through this year.  Now I can without hesitation tell you the worse 3 moments of my life.  They are all equally horrible for different reasons.


*Telling the doctors that we were ready to take our daughters off of the ventilators.  It was a moment I knew was coming from the moment I woke up from my surgery.   It was in the back of my mind every moment I spent with them.  It was something I did not want to do but knew I had to.  I kept putting it off.  The moment we told the doctor we were ready tore me apart.  Its an absolutely horrible thing to have to do.  It still tears me apart today.  I know we did what was right for those sweet babies but it doesn't mean it makes me feel better.  I feel horrible about it.


*Watching our girl take their last breaths was gut wrenching.  I felt like I was going to die with them.  A part of me did die at that moment.  A part of my heart will forever be missing :(  I'm so thankful that those 2 hours were spent right on my chest.  I'm so grateful that in those moments in my arms sweet Teagan opened her eyes and looked right at me.  I love those little girls sooo very much.


*March 24th was the day that we laid them to rest.  Another absolutely horrible moment.  Jason and I spent about a hour with them before their funeral.  It weird, it was sad but peaceful at the same time.  I didn't cry in that hour as much as I had anticipated.  They looked so beautiful in their pretty white dress our wonderful friend Alisha made for them.  They were beautiful and peaceful.  The funeral part was horrible.  I felt like I wasn't even in my body.  Sitting there I felt like they cant be talking about OUR BABIES.  When we went outside to the grave site and it was over I couldn't bring myself to get up and go to their casket to say our last goodbye.  I didn't want it to be over and didn't want to have to walk away.  You just are not suppose to have to plan a funeral for your babies and bury them. 


I can easily say those 3 things are things that still make me feel sick to my stomach when I think about them.  I hate that anyone ever has to go through these things.  Its just so unfair.  What I am grateful for is the 2 days we had with our Angels here in earth!  I thank God every single day for choosing us to be their Mommy and Daddy and for giving us those 2 days with them. 

Beautiful song

This song was on a slideshow I just had made of our girls.  Its playing at the beginning before you start it and I really like it alot.  It is beautiful.  You may need tissues!  I know I did :)

6 months

6 month ago today Ava and Teagan were born.  Its hard to believe 6 months have gone by already.  Time goes by so fast but I feel like it was just yesterday I was holding them in my arms.  I want that memory to stay fresh in my mind forever. 

They should be 6 months old today.  They would be sitting and getting ready to start crawling.   They would be starting to eat yummy baby food.  They would be giggling all day long.  Babbling away to us.  Doing all the normal things babies do at 6 months.  That would be in a perfect situation with  2 healthy babies.  In the situation we were given they probably wouldn't be doing those things but they would just be here with us and that would be enough.

I always wonder what they would look like and what kind of personalities they would have.  I think they would have brown hair and dark complexions just like B and B.  I think they would have eyes like Brooklyn but blue!  I think they would have Braydens smile.  A good friend actually had a dream about them and said they were about 3 and had Braydens smile.  That's how she knew it had to be them in her dream!  I think Ava would be so sweet, calm, relaxed and laid back but sensitive.  She was very relaxed and when she would open her eyes she would just open them enough to peek out.  I think Teagan would be just as sweet but very curious and eager to be everywhere!  Every time she would open her eyes she would open them wide and take everything in.  I remember holding them in my arms the last hours of their life and she opened her eyes big and wide and just looked directly into mine.  Its a moment that still takes my breath away in a good way and a bad way.  It gives me butterflies to think about that moment.

Today the kids and I went to the cemetery and took along some roses to leave our sweet girls that we miss dearly.  Here is a picture of their markers with the roses.

Blessed

In such tragedy its hard to see that you are also blessed.  Lately I have been having a very difficult time with the loss of our girls.  I think because of everything going on with me medically since (c-section, 2 other major surgeries on my abdomen and another surgery on my leg coming up) the loss of Ava and Teagan I really haven't been able to process everything.  I haven't accepted anything yet and haven't had time to grieve.  Today I was thinking a lot about my girls, as I do everyday, and thought how lucky I am that I was chosen to be the mother of these 2 beautiful girls.  Jason and I are so blessed that they are our babies.  I thank God every single day for them and letting us have 2 unforgettable days with them.  For letting us have the chance to hold them, see them move, see them cry (although we never heard it due to the vents) smell them, touch them, kiss them and just love them unconditionally.  I am glad that God chose us for these girls because we gave them every chance we could.  Although I prayed everyday for them to be ok I knew the chances of them living long were very slim but we still gave them the chance to live as long as God wanted them here.  There are many people that would have never done that.  For us, terminating my pregnancy was not an option.  They may have only been here for 2 short days but they never suffered, they never struggled, they were comfortable and loved beyond words.  We are blessed that we know that kind of love.   Mommy loves you sweet babies and I miss you every moment of every day!