Christmas 2012

Last weekend we went to the cemetery and decorated a little tree to put in the girls vase. Here it is! Just need to fix the garland in the middle. Its driving me crazy!

At home we also decorated a little tree for them that we will add an ornament to every year. So far it just has 3. One from last year, one from this year and one from my friend Natalie from last year. I added some little butterflies and hearts to fill it in.

I miss...

Although we only had Ava and Teagan here with us for 2 days there are so many things I miss!  I miss watching my belly grow, feeling the flutters which turned into little movements to hit kicks and even rolling around.  I miss watching my entire stomach move around like crazy and wondering what they were doing in there.  I miss going to all my doctor appointments and getting to hear their heartbeat and watch them moving around on the ultrasound.  I miss seeing every part of them during the ultrasound.  I miss feeling their hiccups they had all the time.  I really enjoyed being pregnant with all my kids but I really really cherished it all this last time.  The 17 weeks of morning sickness was a bit rough but worth it!  I miss sitting next to them in the hospital and just watching them.  I miss holding their little fingers and touching their pretty soft hair.  I really miss holding them in my arms and wish I could hold them again.  I miss watching them sleep.  I miss watching them open their little eyes and look at us or just look around.  I just really really miss them!  I so grateful for all the memories I do have and Im also soo grateful for all the photos we have of them thanks to the wonderful Bridgette!  The pictures she took for us mean the world to me and I hope she knows just how special she is to us for giving us those!  Jason too, he took hundreds of pictures of them which Im so happy to have!  I also miss watching sweet little Brookie with her sisters.  I am so blessed that we were given the 4 beautiful children that we have.  I miss Ava and Teagan and look forward to the day I see them again!   Not anytime soon though :)  I have a lot left to do here!

Missing you

The other night I had another dream about my girls.  Well one of them.  In it they were separated but I only had one of them with me.  Not much to the dream besides that and her just laying there smiling at me with big blue eyes.  It made me sad that I had only had one of them but dreaming about them makes me happy.  It feels so real, like we are really together.  I wish I could dream happy dreams about them every night!


A few weeks ago I had another dream.  Well I don't even know if it was a dream really.  It happened while I was almost asleep.  I saw this area outside that had the greenest grass and the bluest sky I have ever seen.  Right through the middle of the grass was a crystal clear stream that shined so pretty from the sun.  Over the stream was a beautiful brick bridge.  Everything was so perfect and so beautiful.  The best and most beautiful part of it though was Ava and Teagan were running across is holding hands. They looked to be about 3 years old. They were wearing long white summery dresses and they had long dark brown hair that was curly at the ends.  That's all it was but it made me soo happy.  I could not stop thinking about it and them all day!  I wish I knew someone that knew how to draw or paint because I would definitely have that made into art for me!  Anyone know how to or anyone that does by any chance???  :)


I'm going to miss my daughters every single day for the rest of my life but I have been doing a lot better in dealing with it.  While I think of them every day it doesn't consume my every thought.  When I think of them its not always sad now it also brings smiles when I think of the time spent with them.  Not always of course.  I still have days that just get me really really down no matter what.  Or things that trigger sad emotions.  I don't think that ever goes away and I'm ok with that.  Sometimes feeling like that is what makes me feel close to them.   I love them so much!  I'm so blessed that 4 beautiful children even if 2 of them cant be here with us.  Someday we will all be together again.  That I know!

Dreams

Ive had several dreams about the girls and all of them but one gave me peace and made me feel happy.  The one I had last night felt very real so I wanted to share it :)


This morning I woke up feeling so happy!  I had been dreaming about Ava and Teagan and it was a good dream.  A really good dream!  I had them and they were in the hospital and doing really well.  They were breathing on their own and they were growing well.  They were getting older and stronger and knew who we were.  They would open their eyes and look at us when we would talk to them.  In the dream they were the same way they were when they were alive.  Ava would just peek out at us and Teagan would open her eyes really wide and look right at us.  My dream felt so real.  Then one day I was in a different hospital room and in the middle of the night I went to go see them in their room only I could not find it.  I was freaking out because they had been in the same room the whole time and now they were not there.  I finally found them and they were in a room that was made to look like how a room would if they were at home.  I walked over to the crib and it was only Ava in there.  They had been separated and she was doing so good but I started freaking out because Teagan was not there and I thought something had happened to her.  Then I saw someone walking with her but she was ok she just needed to stay in the hospital because they had given her a new heart.  The dream just made me feel like I was really with them.  It did make me a little sad because I wish they were here but at the same time it made me smile because it felt so real and felt like I was with them.  I wish that I could dream about them every single night!  I love when I have a dream about them.  Especially the good ones!


Love and miss you sweet girls!  I will see you again soon in my dreams :)

So many thoughts!!

I have so many thoughts in my head this week and don't even know where to start!  I do have more good days than bad days now.  It doesn't mean that I don't miss my girls every day because I do!  So much!  I just can get through the days without the thoughts, guilt, regrets, whatever it may be totally consuming my every thought like it use to.  I can think or talk about Ava and Teagan and smile.  There are times when I break down thinking about or talking about them.  I don't think the pain you experience from losing a child ever goes away.  Ever!  I think that in time you just learn to deal with it and manage that pain and emptiness that you feel.  Its just not natural to bury your child no matter how long they were with you.  Those 2 special little girls taught me so much about life and myself!  I am forever grateful for that and for the time we had with them.  I have so many things in life to be happy, 2 big things being Brooklyn and Brayden!  They are such amazing kids and I love them so much!  Brooklyn has the biggest heart and she loves her sisters so much.  The day I had them Jason took her aside from everyone at the hospital and explained to her what was wrong and that they would not be able to come home with us.  We were really worried about how she would take it or if she would be scared.  We had nothing to worry about because she walked in the room and right to her sisters like she knew exactly what she was doing.  She is so sweet and I know that she will always keep her baby sisters memories alive.  She talks about them so much.  She made some scrapbook pages of them when she spent the day at the hospital with us and them and she has them framed and hanging on her wall.   She is very proud of them :)  She has some diapers and their blood pressure bands the nurses gave her that she keeps safe and takes them out sometimes to show me.  She just amazes me all the time!  Brayden was not quite 3 when they were born but he talks about them too and copies a lot of what Brooklyn says :)  I have always tried very hard this last year to keep their lives as normal as possible.  I couldn't sit around crying all the time for their sake.  However I think its important they see that part and that its not completely hidden from them so of course they have seen me sad but we talk about it.   I would explain to them why but that I was so happy to have them and how much I love them and that my sadness had nothing to do with them, that they are what keeps me going.  Now if I ever get sad about something they just say "Mommy, do you miss Ava and Teagan?"  So sweet my kids are!  I'm sooo lucky to have them! 

Going through the journey we have had with being told about them being conjoined, the pregnancy, birth and the hard times after I have learned many things about myself.  Although I don't feel very strong I am a lot stronger than I would have ever given myself credit for!  I would not have been able to do it without my amazing family and friends though.  I love you all so much!  There were people that I knew would be there that were, people who I thought would be there that really weren't and people that I didn't expect to that were there.  I don't know what we would have done without all the help of Jason's parents.  They helped so much with Brooklyn and Brayden and I'm so very grateful for it.  My family doesn't live close but even being far away I always had their love and support.  Nobody, not our friends, not our family, not even our doctors ever questioned our decision to carry Ava and Teagan as long as we could and give them any chance we could.  They all backed us up and supported us 100%.  Thank you all so much for that!  I have heard of other families of conjoined twins who were told by doctors to terminate their pregnancy and it was never even talked about with our doctors besides our initial visit when they told us it was an option.  She said this is one option, if its not one for you we will never talk about it again and we didn't.  My family was here as soon as they could be when Ava and Teagan were born and I thank them for that.  It meant everything for me to have them here with us.  I really have amazing family and friends!  I love you all! 

There are things I struggle with at times.  We tried to just always make decisions that were best for our daughters.  When I was pregnant one thing we decided on was when they were born we would just spend what time we had with them, not do things that were not going to help them.  We just wanted them to be comfortable and never in pain.  Well the day I delivered my doctor was out of state and they were delivered by 2 doctors from the hospital that I had never met and knew nothing about us.  They decided that I would be put to sleep for the surgery because they were going to make the incision so high on my stomach.  If the girls started struggling to breath and  as long as they were able to put the ventilators in very easily they were going to do that so that I could see them.  They went in very easily and quickly.  In doing that we also had to be the ones on that second day to tell the doctors to take them off of them.  Even knowing it was the right decision it is still a horrible thing to have to do.  They were struggling and the setting were having to be turned up more and more and their heart was failing.  Those 2 hours after they were taken off are 2 precious hours I will never forget.  I will always remember those 2 hours of holding them in my arms.   I believe that I would have never seen them alive had we not went that route.  When we took them off they lived for exactly 2 hours.  My surgery took 2 1/2 hours.  I know I don't know that for sure but I really do believe they would have been gone before I was awake.   I love them so much and just always wanted to do what was right for them.  It was such a hard, emotional journey (and still is at times)  There isn't a guide on what to do when going through this. 

Thank you my sweet Ava and Teagan for teaching me so much about myself, about life and about what is really important and what is not important at all.  Life is soo very precious and fragile.  Remember to always make sure your loved ones know how much they mean to you because life is so unpredictable and way too short.  I know Ava and Teagan would want me to be happy :)  I will miss them always and will keep their memory alive for as long as I live.  They will live on through us for the rest of our days here on earth.  They are important and they are a part of our family!  Love you sweet babies!

Happy 1st Birthday

It is so hard to believe that it has been a year since Ava and Teagan were welcomed into this world.  So much has happened in this past year but that day is still so fresh in my memory.  I like it that way and hope it always feels that way.  1 year ago we were blessed with our 2 little miracles.  Their time here on earth was way too short but I will treasure every moment we had with them for the rest of my life.  They were not here long but they change me forever and touched the hearts of so many others, even people we do not know.  I remember that day so well.  Jason came home from work to watch the kids while I went to my normal weekly appointment to check on the girls.  I was 34 weeks 1 day.  My ultrasound was going just like it normally does.  Measuring everything you can possibly measure and checking all the things you check in an ultrasound.  Every week my cervix was always measured by ultrasound.  This time when she measured it, it was I believe 1.4cm and the week before had been about 2.2.  I could see on the screen a pretty big black spot that was not normally there.  My doctor came in and said that I was dilated (that is what the black spot was) but that you cant tell how many cm from ultrasound.  I was sent to the hospital right from there to be monitored and checked out to see if I was in labor.  We got there around 5, was hooked up and contracting every 5-6 minutes and was dilated 4cm and 100% effaced.  We were staying and having our girls.  At 7:49pm they were born weighing 7lbs 10oz combined and 15 inches long.  Tons of dark hair and darker blue eyes.  One thing that makes me so sad is the fact that I was put to sleep and that me and Jason didn't get to hear their cries.  Its something I so badly wish I could have heard.  I miss their sweet little faces, tiny little hands and feet, soft brown hair, pretty little eyes sooo so much.  I just miss our babies terribly.  I'm so thankful for the time we have and find comforting and knowing that they are waiting for us in heaven and that we will see them again someday.  Here are some pictures from their birthday :)

Balloons and a card from Jason's family and the flowers are from their Daddy :)

Balloons from us.  The ones that have writing on them are all notes to them from our family and friends!  It was so awesome that everyone did that for us :)  I have them all printed out and I am going to make a scrapbook with them.  I had about 40 of them to write!  One balloon popped while I was doing it but thankfully I had only written 3 on it when it popped!

One more picture with all the balloons for their birthday.  The smiley face is from Natalie, Ryan and their girls

This is a gift we received from some of our friends, Nate and Tani, I love it!

This is another beautiful gift we received from Natalie! 

It has been an incredibly hard year and I miss my girls a lot.  I am having more good days than bad days now though.  Time will help with that but I will miss them forever and never be the person I was before them. 


Ava and Teagan,
Happy 1st Birthday my sweet, precious girls.  I miss you and love you more than any words could ever begin to describe.  Not one single day goes by that I don't think about you.  Sometimes the memories I have of you make me cry and sometimes they make me smile.  Every single tear I cried, pain or discomfort I felt, every emotion I had, every sleepless night I had worrying about you was worth it.  With all of that you also gave us so many smiles, you fill our hearts with more love, gave us many memories we will cherish for, you changed us in so many good ways.  Anything we did for you was worth it.  All we wanted was to give you any chance you had and to make sure that your time here you felt loved and were comfortable and never felt any pain.  I love you more than anything and wish that things could have been different but I know that one day we will be together again.  Until then I know you are in the best place you could possibly be waiting for the day we are all together again.  Mommy loves you so much!

Memory boxes

We wanted to do something special to honor Ava and Teagan for their 1st birthday.  I decided at the end of last year that I was going to make memory boxes for the hospital to hand out to other families that go through the loss of a baby.   So from them until now I have been buying things that I need to make it possible and was able to make 16!  I did 2 different things.  The first ones are a largers photo album, blanket, stuffed animal, journal and a pen.  We made 6 of these.

Jason made little tags to attach and this is the one that went on there ones

The other ones are in boxes and each include a blanket, stuffed animal, candle, photo album, journal, pen, tissue and forget me not seeds.

Here are the ones that he made to attach to the top of these boxes.

I delivered some today to one of the hospitals and I will be delivering the others on Thursday.  I hope the families that receive this love them.  I wish that no one ever needed them though!

Its hard to believe that in 2 days Ava and Teagans first birthday will already be here.  I love you so much precious girls and still miss you terribly each and every day.